Drowned In Nog
Swaddled claws broke through the thick foliage that lied at the edge of the clearing as a tattered clothed fiend stepped out from the entrance torn in the swampland vegetation. Battered and worn from countless days of travel, he was at last facing his goal, for it was here that the prize he sought after these many moons laid. Alarmed by the intruder, a mound of shag began to stir. Small, pink wings lifted the fur ball into the air, dropping glitter in their flutter from the heart shapes embroidered into them. The goblin drew his hooked blade from its makeshift scabbard, staring the creature down. At least, the best he could tell, that is what he was doing. He could only assume its eyes lied above its pink snout.
"So, we finally come face to face," snapped Bimblesnaff. "Hairy Dairy Fairy, give me yer Legendary Cheese or pay da ultimate price." Bouncing in the air to and fro with its udder swaying, the cow pixie remained silent. "Huh. So be it. Think I'll make me a Legendary Cheese Burger!" Maniacal laughter filled the surroundings, shattering the faerie's mind. The Lunatic leapt high, driving down his heavy, rusted edge. Crashing into the mud below, he scored no blood from his foe. A glowing trail marked the beast's path. Keeping his body still, he traced the dwindling lights, readying a surprise attack. Honing in with his sharp, pointed ears, he bided his time until the mythical bovine was still. Springing into action with wild flailing of his limbs and blade, he halted himself, finding not his target.
"Bet you did not expect to see me here, did you, slime boy?" a dark figure hissed. Blooded bandages covered near every inch of the gaunt body. "Where you looking for this?" Raising its talons, he revealed the rotund fuzzed one in his evil clutches.
"So, Xech, my nemesis," he called the hell spawn, "you followed me out here? I shoulda known."
"I am not your nemesis," his muffled words slithered from his bandaged mouth. "I am the foe of all things. And, soon, once I reap the power this embarrassment to creation possesses, I shall destroy this foul, cheerful reality."
"But this reality has ale," exclaimed the Ghobling. Thrusting forth his sword, he declared, "I will not let such a dastardly deed be done!" Throwing his weapon, it spun towards the demon, passing though him and sticking into a tree. Making himself one with the shadows, the edge was unable to touch his withered flesh.
"I'm afraid you are too slow, 'Snaff," mocked Xech. "Guess I'll be on my way."
"Just watch out for the chain," warned the goblin.
"... Chain?" Looking down, he saw links connecting the green one's hilt to his hand, which was now being pulled sharply. "Aah..." Dislodging the sword, it severed the dark kin at the waist, returning to its masters hand. The mud began to pull down the two halves.
"What's wrong, Xech?" queried the Lunatic. "Too fast for ya?" Strands erupted from the ground, binding the goblin's hands, feet, and nearby branches. A torso was lifted from the mire on these bands of cloth. "Dude, c'mon! Stay dead."
"I am one with death," snarled the demon, pulling the Ghobling slowly apart. "You cannot vanquish me."
"I bet I can try," the fiend denied with a gurgle in his voice, fighting the strain on his body. Putrid fumes spilled forth from his fanged gullet as viscous fluid dripped from his twisted lips. Holding his head back, choking on his own contents, he flung it forward, erupting a burst of acid. The explosion swiftly consumed that which bound him and what remained of Xech's body. Rubbing his sore muscles and joints, the Hairy Dairy Fairy took this time to soar over his head and make its escape. Just as he turned to follow, he saw it frozen in the air, clasped in a massive, gloved hand.
"Kalot, the Avenger?" an astonished Bimblesnaff blurted. "Was there anyone who dinna follow me out here?"
"Well, you did leave a trail of bread crumbs," explained the giant.
"Damn my love of bread to hell!" the green one cursed. "I suppose you want this puff ball as well."
"No, no, no," corrected the brute, "I just wanna eat it."
"Never!" Full of ire, he struck a mighty blow on the warrior, taking an arm, then another, before emptying his gut. Unable to escape with the weight of a massive arm atop it, Bimblesnaff triumphantly propped his filthy foot on the at last obtained fairy. "That's the end of that, unless you wish to interfere." His voice aimed at a thought empty portion of the marshland, a golden masked head popped from behind the shrubbery. "Well, if it isn't Madam Quae? Unless you want to join these other two in the afterlife, I'd suggest you throw yourself at my feet and worship me." Eagerly nodding, she jumped onto the ground, kissing his feet the best she could manage through a solid mask of gold. A crowd of people came rushing in, cheering on their new hero, conqueror of the Hairy Dairy Fairy.
"Hooray!" some cheered. "All praise," proclaimed others. "Have my babies," yet more offered. "None of that happened," noted one. ... wait, what?
"None of that happened," a voice of reality informed. Ripping the Ghobling from his story, he saw that the speaker was Kalot, seated on a stool at the table he was currently standing on.
"Whaddya mean, 'none of that happened'?" demanded the fiend.
"Well, you simpleton," pointed out Xech, seated far away down the bar, "both Kalot and I are still in one piece and quite alive, and Quae, much like all woman, would never touch you even it is was to save all souls on this retched plane." The Innocent nodded in agreement, keeping her mug of mysterious drank nog off the table to keep it from being tipped by the green, sweeping tail.
"And, you never did obtain the Legendary Cheese from the Dire Mire," the Avenger enlightened. "In fact, I still think you're in the middle of doing that."
"Meh, no hurry," Bimblesnaff dismissed with a shrug. "The others don't seem that busy with it, either." They turned to see a group huddled around another table, entering the bar to wet their throats as the goblin did, dozing off in their sloth. Tired himself from the active story telling, the Lunatic took a seat on the table top.
"Aw, man, my mutton," whined Kalot as he watched his dinner vanish beneath the kobold.
"This only leaves one question unanswered: why wasn't I in your stupid story?" roared a woman in black robes.
"Sorry, stranger," he apologized, draining the last of his mug's mead, "but I dun know you."
"What are you talking about?" she further complained. "I'm Anph." Still no recognition was seen in his eyes. "I'm the one who brought you here! I pulled you out of that lake of fire! I gave you one of my kidneys!"
"Oh... is that what that was?" Bimblesnaff nervously chuckled, followed with an unusually renal belch.
"Just... never mind," the Vagabond insisted, returning to her ale.
