Rumbl-o-Rama: Square Rooted
Written through the combined efforts of MintMan, VinnyD, Writer77, LieutenantEagle, and MadGoblin of the Reality's End Message Boards. Post-production clean-up and polish by MadGoblin.
Hear ye, hear ye! The Grand Quest for the Legendary Cheese is Upon Thou All! Whom shall maketh the trek? Art thee brave enough? ... th? If it be so, seeketh the Dire Mire, lair of the Hairy Dairy Fairy, just beyond the Mount of Olive Gardens. But many other perils do lay 'twixt these threats. First of trials shall be the Fields of No Return, for, once there, you shalt not redeem thou purchased goods at the shoppe for returned coin!!!
"Dairy Product of Lore?" exclaimed the mean, green fiend. "'Tis quite the interest... I accepteth this queer adventure, mysterious booming voice! Hopefully, no one else shall attempteth to hinder me in this quest..."
Pfft, like that'll happen!
"And so do I accept this quest," a voice said from behind the green fiend.
"How now... did I not say that I wanted no interference in this quest?" the fiend asked.
"You did, and I am not meaning to interfere. Allow me to introduce myself, I am Lieutenant Eagle and am entering solely for the purpose of gaining more skill with attack abilities. I'm but an apprentice now, but if you accept my help, I will certainly be of use to fulfilling your quest."
"Pshaw! What can you do?" came the doubting reply.
"Well..." He then fabricated a knife. "Argh," whined Lieutenant Eagle, "it's dull! Well, if thrown at someone, it can still probably hurt them... I guess. So anyway, are you accepting my aid or shall we be opponents?" From a shadowy wisp, a strange blue clad figure swiped Lieutenant Eagle's dull knife.
"Alliance is for chumps," the vagrant stated, half-turning his face toward the victim he had just streaked past, revealing a most devious smirk.
"Hey," complained the lieutenant, who had just figured out what had happened to his pride and joy, "how could you hear that part? It was said out of story context." The brigand's eyes glassed over to this impossible realization. His eyes rolled back, searching deep inside his shallow mind for something, anything that resembled an answer.
"Umm... I am psychic?" he stated, although it sounded like a question.
"Oh, oka-- no, wait!" But it was too late. He spirited away the dull edge past either of their reach, and neither followed. The more adept goblinoid stared off into the distant, dusty wake of the fleeing vagabond, mostly because it looked to him like a fluffy, sky bound cloud.
"Heh, it looks like a bear."
"What did you say?"
"Er, I mean," quickly covered up the green guy, "well kid, I think you have learned one thing on your short adventure so far: you suck."
.
.
.
Eagle lowered his head in shame at realization of the truth.
"However, I, the Great Goblin Thief, am here," he boldly stated, stepping forward in a righteous pose and protruding a clenched fist ahead. "And when a master, such as I, and a lowly apprentice to adventuring, such as your sucky self -"
"Awww..."
"- kill one another, then nothing can stop us!" His arm went straight into the air at the high point of this speech, exploding the background in a pyrotechnic display.
"Hooray! ... what?"
Meanwhile...
"But, I was just here," argued the blue clad vagrant. "Don't you recognize me?"
"I think I would remember if you were in here," the shopkeep told, surveying the cerulean-skinned creature standing before him, "ever. At any rate, I highly doubt we just sold you that knife."
"Oh, so just because the knife is a little dull," increasingly screamed the amphibious one, deliberately trying to cause a scene, "and rusty, you assume that it is beyond the scope of your return policy?
"You look here," scowled the vagrant, leaning an elbow to the counter space and pressing one webbed finger onto it at every point he made, "I keep telling you that I bought this knife here only a few scant hours ago when I wanted to stab my television for telling me that thirty is the new twenty. I mean, I just turned twenty! If this rate keeps up, I'll never be twenty! Forty will be the new twenty next decade and my then-age of thirty will be the new clam chowder, but I couldn't eat it because then I do believe I would die. Halfway back to the junkyard where I keep my TV -- for tax purposes," he inanely added with a nudge and a wink, "I suddenly realized that I cannot use a knife on it since televisions don't exist.
"So, here I am again, ready to return my knife. If it is dull or rusty or bloody, it was like that when I bought it, just earlier today... it was also one of those bitchin', expensive-looking swords over there, too."
The annoyed, unenthused glare of the keep need not be described here. After giving the vagrant's words proper time such that he knew they would cause no long-term brain damage, he cleared his throat and addressed the patron.
"'Sir', you were not in here earlier today. You did not purchase this knife from us. You are not getting a return on this knife here in this shop located in the Fields of No Return not by that virtue, but because this is a pastry store." Not moving from his stooped position over the counter, the brigand circled his gaze about the room's inventory.
"What about that sword I saw over there?"
"That... that is a danish."
"Hmmmm... I'll take two."
An illusionist was sitting in the same pastry shop, eating several donuts. The wizard's loud eating was quickly interrupted by a shout of "Evil!" from near the counter of the pastry shop. A blue adventurer was yelling and pointing at a Danish that had just been placed on the counter in front of him.
The vagrant quickly pulled out, and somehow successfully wielded, three swords and a loaf of french bread to make quick work of the fiendish pastry. Then, just as quickly as he had destroyed it, he picked it up and ran away into the sunset with it.
"..." said the mage. "..."
However, this intelligent thought was interrupted by the shrill scream of a woman whose son was in trouble. The wizard looked off nearby and somehow through the walls of the pastry shop to see that a child had got caught in a tree and several demon birds were trying to kill him. He also noted that the tree was on fire, but that detail seemed unnecessary.
The caster, knowing what he had to do, leapt thirty feet in the air to snatch the small child away from the demons and landed safely of the ground. Of course, that was just an illusion, and in reality he had to get a ladder, in the process getting several splinters while falling off several times, before the child was safe. As he was about to turn the child over to his mother, the screaming woman ran away... screaming.
"What?" the warlock asked to no one in particular. "Um, this is your kid... right?"
A random passerby pointed out an obvious fact: "This is the Fields of No Return. She can't take her kid back now, genius."
"...What?" the mage repeated, again to no one in particular since the passerby had already passed by. "But... I'm not a babysitter. I'd better think this through verrry carefully...
"I wonder if donuts have been invented yet..."
Meanwhile, not too far away...
"Is this really necessary?" questioned the mistreated partner of an angry goblin.
"For the last time, yes!" yelled the fiend who was comfortably perched atop several pillows in a small cart being dragged by the newcomer. "Now hurry up, or I'll pull the whip out again!"
Another meanwhile, in a place that's even less far away...
A person clothed in blue was looking around in a blacksmith's shop. Finally, the blacksmith took note of his existence and asked him what he wanted. "Um, yes," started the vagrant, "I would like to return this weapon which I bought earlier today." He held out a plate containing a chopped up danish.
And back at that other meanwhile...
"So," the thief began, "do you know anything at all?"
"Barely," Lieutenant Eagle answered. "Just two techniques, that's all."
"Bah! So... you wouldn't be able to do anything against... me, would you?"
"Are you engaging me in a duel?" Lieutenant Eagle inquired nervously.
"Well, yes... I suppose I am," the "master" replied, drawing a blade of sorts. "Let's see if you can at least damage me." At this point, the novice drew a short blade and slashed the mad goblin.
"Why, you ingrate. You haughty, little ingrate," the freak restated. "You would dare to attack your master?" The new comer stared him down with unwavering eyes. "Well, then, I only have this to say... Congratulations!"
"... What?" the stupefied Eagle spat out.
"To be so cunning and undermining as to attack the one who was training you-"
"No, you weren't!" interjected Lt. Eagle. "You were just horribly abusing me!"
"Like I said, training you," the Ghobling continued. "You have proven yourself to be quite the sinister one, although don't expect it to happen again." To secure his own safety, he guarded himself with a toxic trigger switch. "I could mold such fresh talent as yours to be quite advantageous to myself." The pointy fiend greedily rubbed his hands together.
"Really?" the seemingly undertaken apprentice questioned. "How so?"
"Well, for starters you can fetch me some nacho- hey! Get back here!" the kobold snapped as the man began to walk away with his eyes rolled. "I was joking! (I was serious. I'm hungry.) You really would be quite an asset to keep around. (You could be my human shield!) So why don't you stick around? (Man, that Kelly Hu sure is a hotty.) Some of my profound skill is bound to rub off on you. (I'd sure like her to rub off me.) 'Cuz she's so hot!"
"... W-what? Who's hot?" Eagle inquired. The freak, realizing his thoughts were mingling with his speech, tried to recover.
"Er, no one," he denied. "Did I say anything about a human shield?" he whispered.
"A human what?" the trainee half caught the words.
"Excellent!" the goblin proclaimed. "Very well. Come, apprentice of Bimblesnaff. We're off!" As the green skinned one bound off, Lt. Eagle straggled behind, scratching his head.
"A human excellent? I don't get it..." He warily followed in suit, unsure of what he had just gotten himself into.
It was not until nightfall that Eagle realized exactly what was told to him of his being a human shield and all that. Quick witted, he was not. However, thinking that he accepted the quest and that it was all his fault, he had no choice but to continue.
Their travels began again the next morning, which the learned master had set at noon. Eagle heard less than silent steps following them in pursuit. A blue vagrant appeared behind the pair.
"Umm, there is someone following us," Eagle told. The maniac turned around with his trainee. The vagabond stopped.
"Well, now," he stated, "it's the Ghobling and his pet!"
"How dare you!" shouted Eagle who then lashed out at the Mint Man. The target only laughed.
"That's the best you can do, weakling? And you, Gobbo... you are also weak and worthless for bringing this powerless fool on your adventure. Ha ha ha!" The vagrant repeated, for good measure, "That's the best you can do, weakling?" An irrelevant NPC walked up to the Minty One, whispered something into his ear, and then quickly walked away. Mr. Blue then turned to face his two fellow adventurers and quickly addressed the problem at hand.
"It has come to my attention" stated Mint Man, "that my arm has been, in fact, chopped off and replaced with a bloody stub. I am in a lot of pain. Three gophers do like fried cheese on a Saturday morning." With that, he passed out from blood loss.
"Um," started Eagle, "do you think we should help him?"
"Erm, didn't you just chop his arm off?"
"No! He ran off with my weapon earlier, remember? His arm was chopped off when he got here."
Three hours later...
The vagrant woke up, finding that his arm was sewn back on and that the two semi-adventurers had left. In their place was another semi-adventurer, this one an illusionist.
"Did you sew my arm back on?" asked the waking wanderer.
"No, I think it was a gopher."
"... Why are you here?"
"I didn't want to be left out of this story, so I'm travelling with you for a little while."
"You picked me? Out of all of these noble questers?"
"No, you were the only one left. I considered suicide."
"... Hoorah! Typically," explained the blue one, "people choose suicide over me."
"Yeah, well," spake the disenheartened magician, "I lost the coin toss... ten times."
"God must really hate you," reasoned the vagrant. He picked himself up from the him-bloodied ground and tested out the new connections in his arm. "How many times is this going to happen? I knew I should have used more bubble gum in the last surgery, but nooOOoo. 'Tis just too tasty to my tummy." With his one good arm, he took his mighty spear in hand and set forth along the path to the Mount of Olive Gardens.
"So," spake the newfound lackey, "we are venturing to the Legendary Cheese, eh? It's no Bacon with Wings, but I hear-"
"What?" stuttered the vagrant, halting too their trek. He turned a bulbous eye and curious look to his partner. "Cheese? What in Earth Day are you spaking of?"
"The Cheese," explained the illusionist. "You know, the point of this phantastical journey."
"I dinnae care for cheese!" exclaimed he. "Well, that cheese, at least. Don't get me wrong -- I loves my cheese, but this quest is all about revenge for me. Revenge and booty."
"There is treasure with the Legendary Cheese?" Both then gave a blank stare to their reading audience.
"Since the latter is not available in these fora, I instead must draw blood from my adversaries and devour their children, or failing such, dogs and small rodents!"
"Why am I travelling with you again?"
"How should I know?"
"I wasn't talking to you," told the mage. "I was talking to myself... and I should at least know."
"... Does it have to do with booze?" suggest the blue guy.
"Probably!"
"Then we make a great team!" he cheered, and then took a swig from a tankard of mead that appeared from seemingly no place.
"Should you really drink that much with all of your blood loss?"
"Blood loss? What blood loss?" At that, the threads gave way as well as his whole arm. "Hey, my gum!"
"Please don- ahhhhhhh... you ate it."
"I've got some more bad news for you, too," the frog mumbled before taking a large swallow. "That was not gum, but it is back where it belongs now!" The mage took rest on a nearby stone to sigh at the vagrant's words, an activity that has become quite tiring in their short time together.
"Mint, just because you devour a vital organ does not mean that it will magically appear back where it belongs."
"Who won't what how now?" asked the blue clad vagrant after choking down his entire arm.
"You and your ingenius brain expect to exact revenge just how now?" The brigand turned, standing just a few paces from the rock. He held down his head, eyes held tight, remaining silent, still for just a moment. From the gaping wound, a small, webbed hand pushed through the flesh. A strange, mucusy membrane fell to the ground as it pushed further and further out. He fanned out the fingers and twisted about his newly formed arm -- clad in a for some reason newly regenerated sleeve. Now accustomed to the new appendage's control, he began to concentrate.
Small fingers of rocky formations snaked about his blue skin, encasing it beneath a rocky tomb. Thicker and thicker the layers became as he channeled the protection of the earth. His two, brimming eyes burst from beneath the stone seal. Crags broke in as he exercised the joints, bending close enough to the ground to recover his dropped weapon.
"Like this," finally answered the frog in an echoing tone. With that, he mightily leapt into the horizon, far from the illusionist, but very close to the others.
A blue clad crash stormed from above and into the earth before the group, tearing the turf and carving a trench in their path. The rock-skinned vagrant stood at the only pace he could -- not enough still to prevent his armor from loosing -- and turned a challenging eye to Eagle.
The frogling shone his gravel shell. His immense weight forced him to reposition his feet to keep himself from sinking into the earth. Ever since his landing, the goblin had been inching himself away from the scenario.
"Hey, good luck with all that," stated Bimblesnaff before flat out bolting away. "And remember all what I told you!"
"You mean," replied the unfortunate apprentice, "a'nothing?
"Yeah, that's the stuff," could faintly be heard as the green one disappeared over the horizon.
"Okay then, so you wanna start something?" asked Eagle, turning to face his foe, the look of worry leaving his face. He smirked. "Then let's get it goin'!" Throwing back his arms, bright flashes emerged from his body as his form twisted. Structures sprung from his back as his face tapered to a sharp point. The formations grew wide and flat, finally being recognizable as wings as the flashes of color dimmed. When the brilliance faded, pristine feathers graced his new limbs while his face grew into a beak. His prior clothing was replaced with a blue outfit, topped off with a sweeping white scarf. His wings flapped as-
"Whoa, now," interrupted the rocked vagrant, "who do you think you are? Magic John? You can't do that!"
"I can't? Aww," Eagle whined. With a sudden pop, his shape reverted to a human. He still received a disapproving glare from the Blue.
"Come on now," he coaxed. "All of it."
"But I liked the scarf," moped the novice as the accessory vanished in a puff of smoke.
"There now, much better," the amphibian approved with a flick of his thumb. "Now, you can die," he stated, "slowly and painfully!"
"Aww..." Crouching his powerful legs, the wanderer sprung forth at his enemy...
Meanwhile, with wide strides, the lunatic bound across the Fields of No Return and oddly was matched in pace by a robed one.
"Hey," the mage greeted betwixt deep breaths, "whatcha doin'?"
"Fleeing potential danger," the freak answered. "I know when my beautifully ugly hide is in danger, and I dun likes it!"
"So then," the wizard pried further, "where are you heading?"
"Racing... to the Dire... Mire of the... Hairy Dairy... Fairy," the kobold wheezed, never dropping speed. "I have to get... there to retrieve the... delectable Cheese of... Ages before anyone else."
"You don't say?"
"I do say," snapped 'Snaff as though the statement was a challenge. "If I wasn't, would I have this map?" Reaching into his pocket, he produced the said item and handed it over to the illusionist. "It tells exactly what paths are the safest, secret shortcuts, how to overcome the many obstacles, and the code for infinite lives. It's a very special relic that's been handed down my family for generations." The human stared at him quizzically.
"Okay, yeah, I don't have a family. I was spawned from mud and fear, but I did eat someone from the family who use to own it, so that sorta counts... right?" The blank stare made another appearance. The goblin's eyes slanted. "Still don't believe me, ey? Well, how 'bout this little number!" Reaching into his deep pockets again, he tossed a small object to the magic user. "It's a Limited Edition Dairy Locator Compass, specifically tuned to hone the frequencies of any Legendary Cheeses."
"You mean," spell filcher put, "the only Legendary Cheese?"
"... yeah, pretty much," agreed the twisted fey kin, "at least until the sequel, but what do you expect for a Cracker Jacks' prize?"
"Wait, let me see if I understand this," rationalized the magician, "a mystical and unique relic came to your possession by means of a mere commercial snack product?" As the absurdity of the situations calculated through his mind, the green skinned one shrugged.
"So?" Rolling his eye, while rolling up the map, the wizard pointed to an evilly ominous area.
"Say, I think the next turn to the Mire is there," he lied, slowly breaking away to the correct path.
"Really? I don't remember the map mentioning the Lands of Doom?"
"Actually, to boost their image, it was changed to the Realms of Fate," corrected the mage, "a fate of utterly horrible and torturous doom."
"I'm liking it better already!" the gnome gleefully squealed.
"Well, they do say that the tourists never leave..."
"Hey, wait," the magician said to himself as he watched the goblin trot away to his death, leaving behind his two precious relics without so much as a fight. And, at that point, the land of Ref received a visit from the rare and elusive conscious. "Wasn't I trying to stay in a group so that I would be part of the story? And don't I need someone to act as a shield? And whatever happened to that kid that I had saved?
"Hmm... I'm going to have to think really hard about this." He began to focus
until he realized, "Wait, that doesn't help at all. Oh well, I'll just go swipe that mysterious cheese and become all-powerful."
When the goblin arrived at the location at which he was going to, he realized something odd very quickly. "There isn't a lot of doom or death here, as I expected." The fiendish-looking fiend looked around at the non-threatening landscape. "Huh. And I was sure that the jerk of a wizard had tricked me into my untimely death." The green thief searched through his pockets once more, this time pulling out a much more realistic-looking map.
"Hey," stated the creature, "this is the real map. I guess I accidentally gave him the fake map that I had made to trick the other adventurers. Dang it! Now I will be unable to trick them with that map, seeing as how it is now longer in my possession... Unless I act like I did that on purpose."
"I won't tell anyone!" said a nearby rock, who was both inanimate and without a mouth.
Elsewhere...
A battle rage on, one that would rock the very foundation of the earth. Blow after blow was cast, and after several hours of battle, the winner was obvious.
"Um, are you done attacking that tree?" asked Eagle.
"Yes, I am quite done." said the vagrant who stood victoriously over a fallen sapling. "Now, what was I doing?"
"I think you were announcing some sort of revenge against me, and then going about mercilessly slaughtering me."
"Really? That doesn't sound like me."
"You... you just... I mean... you even turned a challenging eye towards me. How could that not mean... something?"
"...Erm, I suppose that you are right. Now I will engage you in battle!"
Back to the mage now...
"Hmmm... I am beginning to question the validity of this map. Maybe it's the fact that it's drawn in crayon, maybe it's the fact that it's written on the back of a page from a coloring book, or maybe it's the fact that it's labeled 'The Fake Map to Trick Those Dummies.' I dunno, but it seems mighty suspicious."
The Ghobling continued to stare at the rock for several minutes before he responded.
"Argh! I don't have to tell you of my plans to capture the mythical legendary and omnipotent cheese! Besides, no rock can stop me, at least not one without legs!"
With that, he charged at it to cut off its legs and then realized, being a rock, it had no legs.
"What's this talk of a rock? Are you drunk?" An armored figure clad in green appeared beside him.
"If by drunk you mean salty, then no."
"I meant intoxicated, and from here you do appear salty."
"Enough! Listen here mister..." Stopping, he read the man's name tag. "...Vinny D, we don't take too kindly to swashbucklers around here."
"But you just showed up here yourself. I even heard you say-"
"Enough!"
Meanwhile, at a fight many miles away that seemed to not have any chances to happen, based on the short attention spans of both participants...
"Time to exact my ultimate revenge for wha- Ooh! Look at the kitty cat!"
And in another equally random location...
"Hmmmm, I should be at the cheese right now," the illusionist stated, "but this sign says I'm in the land of square doughnuts. Oh well, equally cool but less powerful."
Scenes shift too damn much!
Once more, the lieutenant attacked the Mint Man.
"Thanks, Macbeth," Eagle said, talking to the cat.
"What the-?" the blue-clad vagrant replied. "Macbeth?"
"Yes," replied Eagle quietly. "I read the cat's mind and telepathically commanded it to distract you."
"Now I am very mad at you, rascal!" shouted the vagrant. "If it hadn't been for that tree which stole my booze with its branches, you'd be dead!"
Meanwhile, somewhere far off...
"... Hmm," said the illusionist again, loving the expression. "I'm weary of this, and it seems as though I'm lost. Yes, it seems that I am lost. Where's that green Ghobling?" The illusionist picked up a rock in despair and threw it out of his range of sight in no specific direction.
Unfortunately, what the illusionist did not see is that the rock was swallowed up by a minor wormhole and ended up appearing near Eagle, hitting the remnants of the tree that the vagrant had so long worked to destroy. The rock rebounded into another, much greater wormhole, and ended up in the vicinity of one of the planets orbiting Alpha Centauri, where the planetary anti-meteor missile system promptly destroyed it. Since the vagrant was busy shouting at Eagle at the time the rock struck the tree, none of this was unfortunately known to the characters in our story.
"Hey," thought aloud the mage, since no one else was around to hear him. "I wonder if that simple act like throwing that rock could have cataclysmic yet unseen ramifications that could mean the doom of us all? ... Nah!"
"Oh no!" a horrified goblin exclaimed at the terrors he perceived. "The Lands of Doom are not doomy at all! What a rip!"
"What are you complaining about?" said the D, who was not so much teaming up with the imp as happening to travel in the same direction. "You act as though the lack of doom is something cataclysmic."
"Well, you know," muttered the Ghobling, slumping his shoulders and diverting his gaze from the other green guy, "I kinda got my hopes up. Now how will I ever test out my Doom Umbrella," at which time he promptly produced a paper plate with a broken stick taped to the center area that showed signs of a failing attempt to be punctured. A small, sticky note had scrawled on it in crayon -- albeit in a fancy, medieval handwriting -- the name of the invention. Misspelled, of course, but fancy.
"I do not believe that will protect you from doom, Bim'," informed the buckswashler. "In fact, I do not even know if you would be safe if I threw this peanut I just found at you."
"Hey, shut up!" snapped the kobold, shiftily casting his gaze about thisaway. >_> "Doom doesn't know what doom can or cannot... doom. I bet if it reads this is a 'Dumumberella', it'll just back off without even trying!"
"That is by far the stupidest thing you have thought of in the last ten minutes!" he exclaimed. "Sorry, Eat-First-Cook-Later Internal Oven, but you've been usurped!"
"I'ma suppository!" the odd, walking contraption gleefully stated.
"I'll take your word for it!" dismissed the knightly one. "Besides," he returned his attention to Gobbo, "who would be incompetent enough to fall for something so obviously fake?"
"Well, square donuts are sorta like doom," the illusionist stated, now well within the heart of a very bakery-smelling land. "The edges do keep poking out my eyes when I try to eat them." His eyes widened as an expression came over him that could not have been clearer if an exclamation point jumped from his head, but one did anyway, and it was thusly carried off by a bird to build its nest. "Oh, waitaminute, food goes in here!" he stated, pointing to his mouth. "Mother was right when she told me to carry around that diagram," he chuckled loudly.
He then quickly checked his solitary surroundings. "Sometimes, it is better that I am alone."
"Why won't you leave me alone?" cried Eagle. "This battle won't go anywhere if you never take action." The vagrant lifted a rocky eye to him. Most of his new skin had already shed away from the endless attacks, but his fight was still far from over.
"Then you shall meet your doom!" he boomed, relinquishing his guarded stance and coming down with all his might onto the leaf before him. "You thought you could escape from your brothers' fate, but you were wrong!"
"Okay, all of the sapling is dead," assured the nondescript adventurer frustratedly. "Your aardvark sausages or lemming pie or whatever it is you were babbling about being stolen is safe now. Can you just get back to trying to kill me or something?"
"Well," began the blue, "since you asked so nicely." With an amphibian leap high into the sky, he drove his weapon well behind him, firmly grasped and ready to impale some unfortunate someone. The remaining fragments of stone melted off in a green aura and were absorbed into his skin. He spun about mid-apex, pulsating with a palpable rage. With a wild dervish yell, he looked down to his target.
"Oh snap, this is gonna suck."
"What?"
"I said that it is going to suck us into the depths of a nether land of some kind," re-explained Bimble. "It is a big plug in the middle of the Lands of Fate. It can lead no where I would want to go."
"Awwww," whined Vinny, dropping the chain to which it was attached. "You're no fun."
"But I'm still alive," said the for-some-reason-smart-this-time goblin. "That is more than you could say if I were not here to protect you from doing stupid things like unleashing the wrath of some hellbent underregion."
"Who won't what how now?" questioned D, again ahold of the chain, but this time no longer attached to a plug sealing away the evil drain.
"O! blackest abyss!" lamented Writer, peering through the hole of an especially large donut. It originally began as a bet with himself that his head would fit, but he had then discovered its quite curious contents. "How strange that this square donut leads to a bottomless pit! Well, I mean, it looks bottomless, at least. At any rate, it would be a prime place to safely dispose of this bomb I have been carrying for quite some time," he told to no one in particular, casting down the DVD of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.
"Oh crap!" screamed the green fiend. "You've unlocked the gate to an evil world that was for some reason stopped-up like a bath tub, but strangely, we survived!" He surveyed the small landmass to which both clung, floating on a very tall, very narrow stalagmite in an empty mess that was once land.
"How was I to know that the evils of the netherworld would try to vanquish everything in ours?" reasoned the D. "They said they had candy!"
"Well, do not you worry," said the gobliny guy. "By my calculations, this spire will not collapse unless something really catastrophic happens someplace deep in the earth, and what are the chances of that?"
"Wowzers!" cornily said the illusionist. "Look how deep into the earth this bottomless pit goes!" Little did he know that it was in fact not bottomless, but very well bottomed. Bottomed in such a way that the wretchedly cast materials were almost arriving...
"And I can get a really good view hanging in here by my feet!" again exclaimed the illusionist. "I hope nothing of catastrophic, ground shaking proportions occurs here that would cause me to fall and other unnamed, far reaching consequences."
An explosion that ripped through the very foundations of the earth ignited once the bombiest of all bombs dropped. Its consequences were many and far reaching.
"Did you feel that?" asked Vinny.
"Of course I did!" retorted Gobbo. "It only knocked our little rock formation slanted by a large degree."
"But... it didn't collapse into the deathly abyss below."
"My calculations must have been off," informed he, somehow freeing his hands to carve some calculations into the rock face. "I guess it will take two such catastrophes, but what are the chances of that?"
"The chances that there were for the first one to take place?"
"... shut up. I am sure someone somewhere was effected."
"Wowzers twice!" said Writer. "I cannot believe that huge explosion did not knock me into the bowels of the earth! How lucky am I? Now how am I supposed to get myself out of his hole?
"Oh well, at least no other catastrophe shall occur to ruin us all... or me, as far as I know."
Faster than sight, the vagrant streaked down to the ground, driving his spear deep. Eagle stood a distance away, blank faced, at the wanderer with his weapon piercing the ground.
"You... missed?" he questioned. "I mean, I know I should come to expect this sort of thing from you, but that was an awful lot of set-up for something so utterly lam-"
"Everybody die!" Tearing his spear from the ground, the vagrant unleashed the infamous Land Smite on Lieutenant Eagle and most parts of the world. Shockwaves thundered throughout all parts of the known world. Boulders launched forward at Eagle, hurrying him away in a hail of stones.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" screamed the Goblin. "I was wrong again! What will it take to knock over this stupid spire!" Before he could complete his words, subspace ripples from a planet destroyed far, far away have reached earth through some sort of anomaly. "Thank you!" the annoyed fiend said as he plummeted to his doom.
And so all our heroes tumbled down pits of their own making to the center of the earth -- the crunchy, creamy, nougat-filled center.
"Ouch! It feels like I fell on somebody's head."
"Who said that? Is there anyone there?"
"What's that smell? Is there anyone there?"
"Whose horn is jabbing me?... wait, that's mine. When did I get a horn?"
"Yesterday."
"Oh, right."
"Wait, I can just make some light," said the illusionist, finally finding a use for his powers. He lit a faerie fire to encompass him and the being next to him. "Ah!"
"Ah! ... Wait, why are you screaming?" asked the Ghob.
"I just forgot what you looked like," Vinny D informed, "and wanted it to stay that way. Have you seen who else is here?"
"Time to find out who else is here," informed the frog, clicking a button on the side of his head to activate his high-beam eyes. Immediately, an unconscious and boulder-crushed Eagle came into view. Behind him stood a snarling, drooling cave worm. "Eye-lights... off!"
"What in earth is that thing?" cried Vinny, as the source of their light drew nearer. The strange, glowing, nine-eye mole tunneled ever closer with its five razor sets of razor-claws wielding shaving razors.
"Why does a blind mole have nine eyes and emit light?"
"What did I get stuck with?" asked Writer, again all alone.
"I'ma suppository." The mage hung his head in shame, which promptly had an exclamation point dropped onto it.
"Huh? Where did this come from?"
"Well, this sure is a fine predicament you got us into, Blue Boy," scolded the Lieutenant from beneath the boulder's weight. The frog man scowled.
"Hey, this whole thing would have never started if you hadn't been such a loser," he retorted, and then muttered to himself, "I wonder where that thing is now."
"What thing?" demanded the crushed Eagle. "And could you not rub your slimy skin up against me! It's revolting! I'm not that way!" The beaming light of the Vagrant's high beams returned, spotting on the trapped adventurer and the cave worm coiled on his head. "-" he voicelessly screamed, "-"
"Holy moly! That thing could shave us eight ways to Thor's Day," Bimblesnaff yelled, hiding behind his masterfully crafted Doom Umbrella. "You're not getting my beard, man! No way! I've been growing it out for years!" Using his filthy mitts, he shielded the three scant whiskers on his chin to which he referred to as the "beard".
"This is no time for dastardliness," proclaimed the D Knight, "but for heroism! Or, for lack of such, swashbuckling!" He whipped out his flexible foil and assumed the proper stance. "En guard!" The razor-wielding mole continued its gradual approach through the earth's creamy center.
Shaving razors do not make for the best digging instruments, especially through nougat, as the goblin was all too familiar with. Now, had it been chocolate center, or maybe a creamy caramel, things may have turned out better for it. Back on track, Vincent had readied his sword, awaiting his opponent to follow in suit. And he waited... and waited...
"What are you waiting for? Attack it," ordered the goblin while frantically digging an alternate route out from the hole with some clippers.
"I... I can't! I just can't," Vinny spilled. "If he doesn't draw a blade, I can't sword fight him, and if I can't do that, I can do nothing!"
"Quickly then," suggested the imp, switching his choice of tool to a Bic Disposable, "try a'blusterin' and a'swaggerin'! Bluster and swagger!" Panicking, the blade wielder spouted many half thought up insults mainly gearing around the mole's mama, which it obviously did not understand, it being a mole and all, for they only speak French.
"Wee wee, yimmy-boy!" the nine-eyed mutant thundered repetitively as it broke down what little of the nougat stood between it and a fresh victim.
"Why don't you try doing something, you jerk," angrily suggested Vincent. "You don't even know if your 'digging' is going to get us anywhere!"
"Me," the goblin corrected. "It's going to get me somewhere. Besides, I know the course I'm trekking. According to this map that I 'inherited'," he explained, shifting his eyes sneakily, "I can make a tunnel due east of here and pop out right past the bounds of the Lands of Fate."
"The tunnel will only be dug in a horizontal line," questioned D, "but the path will emerge vertically?" The Ghobling nodded. "And the map just so happens to contain the exit for this random underworldly location we stumbled into?" The freak nodded again, more angrily. "The map, which happens to be scribed on the back of a Chinese menu?" The green skin threw up his hands and gave the green clad a look as though there was no grounds to why his methods should be challenged.
"That right there is the ultimate proof," the lunatic defended. "Everything Chinese is mystical, just like that Chinese girl I ate."
"Oh! So that's what happened," the swashbuckler underreacted to the situation. "You devoured a Chinese priestess and stole the map!"
"... yyyeeeaaahhh."
"But not everything Chinese is mystical," Vincent continued the unimportant argument, the mole drawing ever closer. "I mean, what about fried rice?" At that very moment, a floating carton of take-out shot by, executing many complicated martial art techniques on the subterranean beast, subduing it swiftly. Bowing, it floated away just as mysteriously as it arrived.
"And you doubted the power!" degraded 'Snaff.
"Shame on you," scolded the talking rock.
"Regardless," said the fiend, not even acknowledging the rock's speech, "this calls for some rejoice!" Bimblesnaff oddly ate a beer in celebration as opposed to drinking it.
"... Can I have some?"
"No," answered the rock, "but I can." The sprite shrugged.
"I can't disagree with him, man," he told. "I mean, who could?"
"Get it off, get it off, get it off, GET IT OFF!" screamed Lt. Eagle as he helplessly struggled to pull his arms out from beneath the giant rock.
"Ew, no! I'm not touching that thing," rejected the amphibious one. "I'm not sliming up my slimy hands with that thing's slime! It's disgusting!" Bored with the current situations, he squatted his legs and bound off in a direction the novice was unable to see. The worm squeezed around his head tighter and tighter in a strangle hold of death. Actually, the creature was very friendly and was just hugging the man, as it liked to hug things. However, due to its grotesque appearance, most people take offence to such acts and wish many a death upon the hideous hugger.
Just then, a wall gave way to reveal a brilliant light. A small silhouette soared through the gleaming towards the trapped human. It was a-
"-a suppository!" The oddly shaped device sailed through the stale underneath air and bounced off the worms head, landing on the ground. A figure poked through the illuminated hole, screaming.
"Stay the hell away from me," the magician shouted, "you... you... thing! Gaw! Who built an automatic mode into that thing?"
"Automatic mode?" questioned the worm, in an unsuitingly shrill and dignified voice. BOINK "Ehuehuehuehue," it squealed. "Oh, my word!" The worm then fainted, and the suppository was no where in sight.
"Hey, someone else!" gleefully stated Lt. Eagle, as he did not recognize the individual as anyone who had mistreated him... yet. "Did you get knocked down here by some number of earth shaking events, too?" The illusionist nodded. "Wow, it sure is a small world."
"And an even smaller center-of-the-world," the mage added.
"Oh, you mean because of the amount of space converges distance is travelled to a sphere's center?" cornily asked the trainee with a cheesy grin.
"... No," rejected the wizard, "I mean that there's not that much center left." He tore off a piece of the candy center and ate it. "Um, say, have you seen a little child by any chance?" The trapped man shook his head. "... Dang."
"So, by any chance," asked the trapped person, "can you get this giant rock off of me?"
"Yeah, sure, I guess." The mage concentrated all of his power into a single spell. A giant, golem-like creature appeared from nowhere and lifted the rock off of it's helpless victim.
...
"... The rock is still on me."
"Well, duh! I'm an illusionist, not a summoner."
"Then why'd you make an illusion of the rock being moved? How does that help?"
"My old illusions instructor used to say: 'If you believe it, then it is true.'"
"That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
"Yeah, I know. That's what I said. 'Cause I mean, if you think about it, no amount of illusion would be able to move a rock. It's just not possible."
"... Sooo, how am I going to get out of here?"
"Well, I'm no scientist, but it seems to me that eventually the massive mass of the rock would cause it to sink into the creamy center of the earth, and then your arms will be free!"
"Wait, wouldn't I sink with it?"
"Probably! Either way, you'll be waitin' here 'til you escape, or face an untimely and painful death. Of course, you probably could just lift the rock. It can't be that heavy. I mean, you did survive it dropping on you from whatever the distance from the surface of the earth to where you are now is."
"Why don't you move the rock?"
"I'm a mage, you dumdum! I have a strength score of -5. If I were to try and remove it, it would actually crush your arms even more!"
"Then why don't you try to push it on me and crush me more? Wouldn't that move the rock?"
"Perhaps... and if it doesn't work, I'll have your innocent blood on my hands! I win either way!" The magician set to work pushing on the rock, and with a giant boing sound effect, the rock bounced harmlessly away.
"Dang it!" cursed the wizard. "Er, I mean, 'Hurray!' You are save-ed."
"Good, now I can hunt down that jerk of an amphibian, whom I think I'm trying to kill." Eagle leaned towards the magician, squinting. "Hey, wait, don't I hate you, too?"
"Yeah, but I hate you."
"Um, okay."
"Well, you see. Even though we both hate each other, I still need a bodyguard and you still need... um... Zipele Kolemoni! Hah! You can't kill what you can't see!"
"Um, I can still see you. You haven't moved. In fact, there's actually a neon sign above you... that's pointing at you."
"... Oops, wrong spell. Well, anyhow, we should probably escape from this death hole before we kill one another. It's common sense."
"... Fine."
The froggish creature had been hopping around for a while now. Suddenly, he stopped. "Hey... wasn't I trying to kill that guy?" He turned back around, looking at the area from whence he came. "Nah." With that, a carton of foreign food passed by. "... I'm hungry," stated Minty. He began chasing the meal of Chinese origin down a tunnel.
The D stood staring blankly forward. The goblin's sickly arm was around the rock, and both swayed back and forth.
"Three score and four days ago... Zzz... We went into the bard-run show... Zzz... And found that... juran... es... Zzz... That's my Cheese!" And with that, the kobold and stone fell into a deep sleep.
"I guess that it's a good thing that rock stopped me from getting a drink." The green one tiptoed over the fallen bodies of his former comrades. "Yoink!" he exclaimed as he took the map from the fallen Ghobling. "Knowing that guy, this map will probably lead me to my death!" The D stopped. "..."
Meanwhile, two of the other adventurers were elsewhere in the mine of creaminess...
"Stop!" demanded Eagle. The wizard promptly did.
"Um, what?"
"I hear something."
A carton of food passed by them, followed shortly by the vagrant who was jumping by at what seemed like a slower pace, but was still somehow keeping up with the "fast" food. (Bad pun... I am so sorry.)
"Let's follow him... them!" restated the Lieutenant.
"Why?"
"Because... we hate him!"
"Right, so we can kill him... or join him?"
"Of course!"
"I sure hope he has some donuts..."
"... But they are too quick for us to follow!" Eagle shouted. "How could we catch up?"
"Remember what I told you about illusion? Well..." The illusionist raised his arms and made feather-boots seemingly to appear on his and Eagle's feet.
"Just believe that they are there... believe..."
Eagle concentrated his thoughts on that, then began dashing towards the rapidly disappearing vagrant. To his surprise, he dashed with extreme velocity.
"Hey, wait for me!" shouted the mage. The upgrade would not leave long until they reached the vagrant.
"Now, hold up a moment," instructed the wizard. "Are you sure you'll be able to make it through the fight after that rockslide?"
"Oh, right," Eagle said as he cast a healing spell.
"That's better," the magician responded.
Gliding on feathery footings, Eagle soared to his target with a newly granted dream blade readied. Yelling fiercely, he drove the weapon through the vagrant's trunk and pulled downward, spilling his vitals onto the cavern floor. Spinning around, the edge took off the Blue's head, leaving him a mangled mess of gore. Triumphantly, the victor celebrated as a flock of people swarmed to his side, cheering. He was crowned in gold and given medals of doughnuts, just like he wanted.
... wait, no, that's what he wanted!
"Hey, what's the big idea!" The world drifted away like mist in the wind as Eagle found himself still standing next to the magician. "Why did you make an illusion of all that stuff?"
"Dang," the wizard puffed. "It looks like all that crap spouted by my master was, well, crap after all... like I and everyone else in the world already knew... cough."
"... Did you just say 'cough'?"
"Um... no?" the illusionist replied. Angrily, the other stomped towards him, rolling up his sleeves. "Er, let me guess: I made your Hate List, right?" Eagle nodded. Twiddling his fingers and closing his eyes, the mage whispered, "I believe you are dead, I believe you are dead." Peeking his eyes, he still saw the advancing man. "... damn."
Slowly bounding after the Chinese food, the vagrant stopped dead in his tracks.
"Wait a second, Chinese food isn't fast food at all!"
"What the hell are you talking about?" the carton, having backtracked to the wanderer, asked, in Chinese, of course.
"Hah! Sucker!" the amphibious one shouted as he sprung onto the food, swiftly devouring its contents. "Oo! And it came with a toy surprise," he gleefully squealed as he pulled an object from his mouth, the small skeleton of a dog. "It's a top! Hooray!"
"I don't think that's a top," the wizard commented, leaning in from seemingly nowhere.
"Bwah! What the hell are you doing here?" the vagabond queried in a startled scream.
"Saving my own skin. What else?"
Meanwhile, much further down the corridor, Eagle wildly swung at an illusion of the mage, screaming at it to die. The image, set on a loop, was programmed with phantom sounds.
"Pssh! Is that the best you can do? You novice!" it mocked. "Pssh! Is that the best you can do? You novice!"
"You jerk! I'll kill you yet! Yargh!"
"Heh heh heh," the cyan frog chuckled. "It's funny 'cuz it's what he's doing." His laughter was cut short by the sound of swiftly advancing footsteps. By reflex, he leapt to the ceiling. The magic user was not as swift to react.
"Hey, what are you doin- ow!" Tumbled over by a bulky figure in green armor, he flailed his arms in demand for removal from his form. Which, came out more as crying.
"Alright, you big baby, I'm getting up. Jeez," Vincent complied.
"And just what are you doing here?" the blue one questioned, returning from the ceiling.
"I'm... uh, not fleeing with drunken gnome booty," he lied, sliding the stolen map behind his back.
"Hey, I saw that!" the wizard ratted him out. "You stole a map from that goblin, too, didn't you?"
"Too?" both those who were not the illusionist inquired.
Revealing the treasures of his own, a map and compass, he explained, "I swiped these from the sucker some time ago. Do you realize what we can do with all three of these quasi-legendary objects?" His eyes gleamed with sinister possibilities... of doughnuts!
"When there powers combine," the vagrant declared, snatching each of the items and mashing them into a ball, "they are Captain -" In the middle of immense anticipation, the other two stared open jawed, eagerly anticipating what would be said next, but it never came.
"Suckers!" Taking his ball of booty, the amphibian bound straight upward, breaking through the earth with his mighty spear and rising out of sight.
"... Well, ain't that a bugger..."
Previously on Rumbl-o-Rama: Square-Rooted -- Legend of the Legendairy Wheel - Act I: Who Cut the Cheese? The Impossible Meeting of a Rag-Tag Team of Heroes and a Frog
"I'm Mad Goblin! I'm drunk! Time for me to do something stupid!"
"Not so fast! I'm the guy who was not part of the original story. Time to get offended by people trying to make the storyline funny by being mean to me!"
"You might be new, but I'm such a n00b that my additions were deleted, so I'll shut up now," said a silhouette that promptly vanished.
"Oh yeah?" challenged a man-sized frog. "Well, I can be stupider than all youse combined! I'm only journeying because of rumours -- that I invented -- that the Hairy Dairy Fairy can give me a heart -- a heart to sell on the black market!"
"So my mother found the '666' mark on my scalp?" stated a forgotten about child. "So the town trapped me in a tree and is trying to burn me? So what? I can get my demon birds to save me!"
"Oh yeah?" interjected the Whale-Riders, Illusionists, & Taco-Eating Robots Union member number double-oh-seven... ty-seven. "I'll save you!"
"Hey, guy, why not take my fake map? It accidentally got imbued with magical powers from a Chinese vampire I devoured! Oh noes! Attack of the talking rock!"
"Rocks taste fun, yet another green character told. Hey, why'd I just narrate that part out loud, asked the D'Knight-Buckler. Because I am yet another character that acts stupid!"
"That stupid knight ate my legs!" complained the talking rock. "How am I supposed to run from that suppository robot now?"
"Why was I even created?" questioned the internal oven, which has intelligence for some reason.
"Oh-Snappicus Prime! The world almost tripped! We fall to the center of the earth now, which is sorta like a candy Easter egg but with more nine-eyed moles named Pierre."
"I am le-French mole! I was an evil minion sent by the devil's child until I was converted by the power of love -- love for whiskey. Le-thanks, Gobbo!"
"Don't mention it, Pierre, and thanks for showing us that secret passage to the Mount of Olive Gardens! Who'd a thunk that getting so wasted on booze that we actually believed a way out existed would actually manifest itself into a real way out?"
"No one should think that 'cause it's a big, reeking wad!"
"That's what I am about to be," exclaimed a carton of fried rice which was the last will and testament of a vanquished Chinese vampire. "Now I'm stuck in this stupid frog's stomach, and only he can hear me! I might just be another voice in his head, but at least I am one that is not primarily concerned with stopping the growing legions of alcohol-stealing trees -- that is only a secondary concern! I have much greater plans that need attended to."
"What about me? I was an apprentice, but now I am alone, the only person left in the Earth's core."
"Now you know what it feels like!" screamed the W.R.I.T.E.R. #77.
"... So, how much of that stuff actually happened?" questioned the Ghobling to his new party, rolling up the chronicling scroll he brought out to refresh his own mind of what has transpired in their recent life.
"I... I think all of it," replied the illusionist atop his new bodyguard, the giant nine-eyed mole. The goblin's own eyes bulged, surveying the apparent proof.
"What's to complain about?" said the final member, the Vincent Knight. "We are the best team going for The Cheese right now, and that is because we are the only team. So let's just agree we won't turn on each other until one of us decides to betray the rest of us. Agreed." The team shook their heads in agree-ance, as such logic actually boded well with them.
"Alright, I got The Cracker-Compass and two maps!" exclaimed the frog-man. "Waitaminute, two maps of the same region that look different? Even I know what this means," he continued in self-dialogue. "... It means I cannot get lost!"
"No, it means one is a fake," a voice echoed from deep inside the vagrant.
"Get out! Which one?"
"Um... the one that says 'Fake Map' perhaps?"
"Both of them say that, silly mysterious voice I am not questioning why exists!"
"No, the one that is titled 'Fake Map'. You are reading the region for the River of Fake Map."
"River of Fake Map? Just one?"
"It is a really big map... why are you not disturbed by this voice coming from your stomach?"
"Aren't you that singing fish I ate?"
"No."
"Talking rock?"
"No!"
"Hello!" greeted the talking rock.
"Small child?" continued the blue one.
"No -- why did you eat a small child?"
"There's no candy in here!" cried the little girl.
"I didn't think you had enough time to cook," muttered the amphibious one.
"I'm the fried rice!" telepathically screamed the ancient spirit. "You know, the one food-related item you have actually devoured in this story."
"That doesn't sound much like me..." trailed off the dervish.
"Dining out with a woman doesn't sound like you. Scarfing down Oriental cuisine alone and in the dark to mask your pain sounds exactly like you."
"... Touché. Well, how come you are still alive down there? The fish ain't singin' no more."
"I'm still alive!" still cried the small child, that is, until the vagrant fell on his own spear.
"What was that sound?" asked the rice. "Did you just stab yourself?"
"I think so," said the little girl.
"Still? Maybe I should have aimed for my stomach instead..."
"Look, this has been going on for too long. I cannot get out of here-"
"Yes you can," interrupted the vagrant.
"... okay, I want out of here, but I also don't want to get out of here, if you know where I am going."
"... through my colon?"
"... yes. At any rate, for brevity's sake, I need you to continue with the combination of the three quasi-magical items."
"Hmm, I could use their power for my own, twisted end," he whispered to himself.
"I can hear you!" yelled the rice. "But still, combining there power is combining their power. It is the only way that my destiny of-"
"Enough of you!" quieted the frog. He jumped back produced the three relics one at a time from deep within his coat... after first stowing them back into his coat so that he could remove them for dramatic effect. "Map! Compass! Fake Map!"
The not-so-legendary artifacts lifted into the sky and spiraled overhead. "When our powers combine, I am Captain Map-Compass-and-Fake-Map!" the combination explained to its solitary audience.
"That's it?" sputtered the vagrant angrily at his gastro-geist. "It doesn't even look different! It is just a map and a compass and another map in relatively close proximity!"
And some place entirely different, the Lieutenant grows tired of battling illusionary foes in the earth's core.
"Huh... I wonder where all the lava is?" Just then, the nougat parted as a pool of molten rock seeped through. "Crapit." From a hole in the crust flew down a majestic, albeit demonic, eagle.
"Hooray! I'm saved!" It, however, instead clutched an exclamation point from the approaching, fiery goo and carried it away. "Gulp," stated the non-bird Eagle as an eruption burst up and congealed into an underworldly behemoth. Its skinned cooled in the air to a crackly, black surface save for eyes that burned like pinpoint furnaces in the middle of its grimacing face. It leaned closer to the adventurer, breathing a hot, smoky breath into his face.
"You know, magma is the proper term for molten rock underneath the surface. Lava is what it is called after being expelled," clarified the giant.
Elsewhere, a small child peeked over the rim of a giant nest. The demonic eagle returned with its building supply and awaited further instruction from its dark master.
"Excellent," deviously praised the demonkin. "Soon, my evil bird-nest fortress will be complete, and those adventurers of whom only one I have met shall pay -- for some reason!" said it, shaking a small, violent fist in the air.
"So," started the illusionist, who was trying to break the silence that had fallen over the group while the frog was doing stuff elsewhere, "do any of you have anything interesting that I can steal and run off with?"
"... Nah," admitted the lunatic. "I'm pretty sure I already gave you everything valuable that I owned, with little to no resistance at all. Too bad."
"D?" asked the wizard.
"Well, I have this waffle maker that's pretty valuable," told the alleged swashbuckler, "but it's got a small problem."
"What's that?"
"It doesn't exist."
"..."
The silence once again fell over the travelers, but this was welcome, as they were all thinking of some way to betray the others later. This silence didn't last for as long as it could have, though.
"I really want a waffle now," grumbled the green creature. The other adventurers grunted in agreeance, as though "agreeance" was an actual word. The somewhat knightly one suddenly pointed forward.
"Hey," he blurted out, "doesn't it seem odd to any of you that there are several storm clouds billowing ominously over what appears to be a giant bird's nest?"
The two non-somewhat-knightly characters grunted, but no one was for sure if it was a sign of agreeance or not. The D grunted in response.
"Holy moly!" Lt. Eagle screamed in the presence of the magma gigas.
"Yes, it is quite holy," agreed the molten man, putting away his sprig, "but that is not really of importance."
"Yeah, you're right," concurred the flesh man. "Me not dying is more important. Well, that, and getting my revenge..."
"Revenge? Why would you want that?" the giant questioned. "Nothing is wrong enough to need revenge."
Eagle quickly thought up, "What about confusing lava with magma?"
"Hmm, yes," it stated in ponder-ance. "That is pretty bad, but-"
"What about thinking that lave is better than magma?" he interrupted the smoking hulk, who now fumed even more.
"Those bastards!" it cried. "I shall slay them with my bare hands!"
"Is that really even meaningful in your case?" questioned Eagle. "I mean, they are huge... and made of magma." The molten giant had no time to listen, however, as he grabbed the tiny man and rode an erupting torrent to the surface. Amazingly, they broke through right where the D-Knight, mole rider, and goblin were presently walking.
"You shall suffer, vile ones!" roared the roaring roar... I mean, giant.
"What the monkey?" quasi-cursed the green skin.
"Onoz! It's... some guy... with a threatening yet comical looking magma monster? Do you know what this means?"
"Indeed!" The illusionist lept from the monstrous mole, throwing a finger forward. "Monsutaruuu Bataruuu!"
End. No final conclusion was ever reached for this installment.
