Yes, I Actually Said This
I'm a never-ending fountain of absurd sayings, wit, and otherwise appalling phrases. I spout these so often that I always swore, "I gotta write these down!" Well, it only took me ten years to get around to doing just that.
Quotes from 2016
Regarding Her Refrain from Drinking - Dec 2nd
"What type of alcoholic are you? Not one? That's the unacceptable kind!" - Lou
Averting Unpleasantness - Nov 30th
"I was so releaved." - Co-worker
"So releaved, in fact, that you needed a change of pants." - Lou
"... Ew." - Co-worker
Technical Troubleshooting for a Co-Worker - Oct 20th
"When in doubt: reboot. And if that doesn't work, I'll just have to murder someone. That ought to please Ba'al enough to make it work right. Good ol' Ba'al, always there for you, so long as you have a blood sacrifice." - Lou
Question Whereabouts Due to a Closed Door - Oct 19th
"Maybe he just went to the bathroom." - Lou
"Yeah, maybe-" - Co-worker
"Inside his office." - Lou
Child Care Advice - Oct 16th
"'cuz then you'd drop the baby, and you wouldn't want to do that. Unless, it deserved it." - Lou
Excusing Himself - Oct 14th
"I have to pee." - Guy
"That's a lie; you're doing coke." - Lou
Information on the Local Fauna - Oct 14th
"Squirrels don't live that long, not when there's cars and hungry homeless." - Lou
Talking with the Texting - Sep 15th
"Sorry, I'm only listening to part of what you're saying." - Woman
"No problem; I just assume that's how everyone listens to anything that I say, so I see what I can get away with. So, anyways, then the zebra uses the death-ray and -- well, I think we all know what happens." - Lou
Vermin Relocation - Sep 1st
"There's a centipede in here. Will you take care of it?" - Woman
"Of course! I'll get it a bed and a little outfit with a hat, maybe a small cake." - Lou
"It's really creepy..." - Woman
"Then I'll get it a creepy hat. Or, a cute hat? I dunno what you want here." - Lou
Justifying my Actions - Sep 1st
"That'd be way too dickish of behavior for my normal kinda dickish." - Lou
Regarding Exercise - Aug 10th
"Pfft, running. The only reason to ever run is if you're being chased by a bear. And, if you are, just drop the picnic basket; the sandwich is not worth it no matter how fancy that mustard is." - Lou
While Some Women had a Loud, Giddy, and Hug-Filled Greeting - Jul 5th
"That seems appropriate." - Guy
"I agree, and wouldn't mind if some pudding was thrown in the mix." - Lou
"... Never change, Lou." - Guy
Regarding my Stage in Life - Feb 27th
"You're not a kid, Lou." - Guy
"But, I do have a child's soul; I bought one last week from a creepy guy in some alley." - Lou
Concerns over Behavior - Feb 3rd
"I think you might have O.C.D." - Lou
"Yeah, I know. I-." - Co-worker
"An Occult Caterpillar Devil. Clearly, it's casting minor hexes upon your life to make things just a little more annoying. Just a little, though. Otherwise, you'd be onto it." - Lou
Hearing About her Day - Feb 3rd
"I had a real shitty morning." - Co-worker
"Whoa! I do not want to hear about your diarrhea." - Lou
Drinking on the Job - Jan 14th
"Well, I guess there's a first time for everything." - Co-worker
"First, eigth, same thing?" - Lou
Threatened with Tossing Out Food - Jan 8th
"If you think that I haven't ate doughnuts outta the trash, then you are sadly mistaken. Then, you'll be sad in a whole other way." - Lou
Hunch on a Co-worker's Whereabouts - Jan 7th
"My guess? Affair. Not an affair, but an actual fair, with pony rides and cotton candy." - Lou
Last Modified - September 24th, 2016 | February 29th, 2016
