Yes, I Actually Said This '15
I'm a never-ending fountain of absurd sayings, wit, and otherwise appalling phrases. I spout these so often that I always swore, "I gotta write these down!" Well, it only took me ten years to get around to doing just that.
Quotes from 2015
Mysterious Farewell - Dec 7th
"Oh, there you are. I was confused for a moment there since I could see you. Thought it might have been your ghost, which would be weird since I haven't killed you yet." - Lou
Greeting with Aliases - Dec 4th
"Gobbo." - Lou
"Gobbo?" - Guy
"That's actually my nickname. Granted, only one bloke using it is left... alive." - Lou
She got B's on her Tests - Nov 16th
"What you're not saying is that the teacher gave you actual bees; the test was crawling with Apoids!" - Lou
Claiming Her Cat was Smarter - Nov 13th
"That would just be disturbing if it was. I mean, does he eat his own poop?" - Lou
"No." - Co-Worker
"Well, I do. Smarter!" - Lou
Shaming Late Work - Nov 10th
"How dare you not have a meaningless job like mine, where it's 2:30 and you question heading out. At least, I hope your job is important -- don't really know what you do -- and that you don't work at an animal shelter. 'Ugh, I was there until six strangling puppies since the gas chamber was down.'" - Lou
Savoring Peanut Butter Candy - Nov 1st
"Mmm, Mary Janes™. The popular culture is addicted to wrong one." - Lou
Difficulties of People - Oct 29th
"Yeah, society has a stick up its butt. But, you know how that goes. ... I probably shouldn't have said 'you know how that goes' after that expression." - Lou
Improvised Weapon in a Role Playing Game - Oct 26th
"I wield my short stick." - Lou
"Oh, is that what you call it?" - Player
"... shorter stick..." - Lou
Discussing Getting Drinks - Oct 14th
"That's gonna be some liver-killing fun, which is almost as good as regular-killing fun!" - Lou
Master of Deduction - Sep 18th
"My nose is itchy, and I have to use the bathroom." - Co-worker
"Itchy nose? Bathroom? Someone has a coke problem!" - Lou
Recently Crummy Weather - Aug 19th
"But, I mean, what can you do about it?" - Delivery Guy
"Build a weather control machine. Get on that!" - Lou
Questioning if a Meal was Vegan - May 21st
"What do you mean that 'you'll find out'? Oh. Oh, right. That wouldn't be appropriate to say while others are still eating." - Lou
"That's the nicest thing you've ever said." - Co-worker
"It is? Well, I'll have to fix that: floaters!" - Lou
Some More Sage Advice - May 20th
"Know what I'd recommend? Vodka. Of course, that's my solution to any situation. Marriage troubles? Vodka. Problems sleeping? Vodka. Too many D.U.I.s? That one didn't work out so well..." - Lou
Picking between Sessions - May 19th
"There's only one; the rest sound like balls." - Lou
"Sound like what?" - Co-worker
"Like something appropriate to say in a work environment." - Lou
Overheard their Names - May 19th
"Are you talking about us?" - Co-worker
"No. So, anyways, that's which one I think is smarter." - Lou
Giving Some Sage Advice - May 12th
"Know what I'd recommend? Drinkin'!" - Lou
"Awesome. You always have the worst advice." - Co-worker
"You didn't let me say what you should drink: bacon grease!" - Lou
Observations upon Me - May 6th
"I wasn't watching you for that long." - Co-worker
"Yes you were! You've been watching me through binoculars. From the bushes. Across the street. I'm familiar with this procedure because... um, people watch me?" - Lou
The Culmination of a Talk about Shopping - Apr 21st
"What? You don't wear the shirt of employees and walk around in a store? Thought that was your standard Thursday?" - Lou
"No!" - Co-worker
"Suuure you don't. *blink* *blink* ... I can't actually wink, sooo..." - Lou
Supporting His Idea - Apr 10th
"Sounds like a plan, or maybe a platypus. Never heard one before." - Lou
Questioning my Envy - Apr 8th
"Of course I am! If I could, I'd cut off your face and assume your identity! Don't worry, I'd give you my face so you wouldn't get an infection from all that exposed flesh. But, you know, you'd probably get one from all the far less than sterile tools used." - Lou
We Were the Only Brown Eyes in the Room - Feb 28th
"I just don't think the term brown buddies sounds quite right. That name suggests something scatological or racial, and I'm not really comfortable with either." - Lou
After a Day Off - Feb 23rd
"Did everyone miss me Friday?" - Lou
"Everyone always misses you." - Co-worker
"Damn straight. If you had answered otherwise, the lab would have been burnt to the ground!" - Lou
Temptations of Cannibalism - Feb 18th
"Are you sayin' you've never been around a burn victim and thought: Man... that smells good." - Lou
Discussing her Family - Feb 18th
"Sounds like your sisters have terrible tastes in men. So... do you have a third?" - Lou
- Feb 17th
"Wouldn't it be easier to just get children that no one would miss?" - Undergrad
"No, they have to be loved. That's what makes them valuable." - Lou
On Spending Valentines Alone - Feb 17th
"And that's what escorts are for! ... Wait, what?" - Lou
Living with Partners and Siblings - Feb 17th
"The only way it'd make sense is if you wanted to brag to your sibling." - Lou
"Guess what we're doin' later tonight?" - Imitating this Guy
"... ew." - Co-worker
Justifying Faulty Logic - Feb 12th
"Just remember: you are allowed to do something even if you don't know what it is that you're doing. That's why I haven't been arrested for genocide." - Lou
Deducing Their Reasons - Feb 12th
"You're leaving because I smell, aren't you? I can't help it that I haven't bathed in two months -" - Lou
"Yes -- you can." - Co-work
"- I've just been really, really lazy. Also, I've been curing bacon in my shower. That's probably contributing to the stink." - Lou
On my Baking Frequency - Feb 11th
"You didn't bake during the Great Butter shortage of 2014." - Co-worker
"Thank goodness I stocked up on it when the price fell. Now, I can continue to clog your arteries with cholesterol! Then, when you eventually die from heart attacks, I can harvest your organ, scrape out that cholesterol from your blood vessels, repackage it in bricks, and move on to the next lab to start the process all over again." - Lou
My Opinion on New Labware - Feb 11th
"These are the new eco-friendly gloves." - Co-worker
"They contain 15% less baby seal." - Lou
Why I Bring Baked Goods into Work - Feb 6th
"How dare you not know basic medieval French folklore, and you ate my cookies. I'll expect you to mother-bird it back into the container." - Lou
"I'm not mother-birding anything; that's disgusting." - Co-worker
"If it were disgusting, then you wouldn't be laughing right now. Instead, you'd have already mother-birded it back up in horror." - Lou
After a My Standard Nonsense - Feb 5th
"... You're ridiculous." - Co-worker
"Yeah, I am a dick. Wait, what'd you say?" - Lou
Deducing Where I Live - Feb 4th
"You act like this is the first time that I've been stalked. It is, but I've stalked a lot of people, so I know what's going on." - Lou
Relaying a Poor Word Choice - Jan 30th
"I think her underlings can do that, but I don't know if they come in Fridays. I should ask if she has undies today. ... Well, I shouldn't word it like that." - Lou
After Hassling Her for Getting Stumped - Jan 29th
"Well, do you have anybody asking you questions?" - Co-worker
"Yes. Wait... do you mean 'work related' or, like, 'why am I in those bushes'?" - Lou
Displaying False Protest - Jan 28th
"That's disgusting! You sicken me, and I just joked about being into necrophilia!" - Lou
A Long Day at Only 10am - Jan 28th
"Can you make this day be over?" - Co-worker
"Sorry, I do not control time; I'm not a chronomancer. I chose to practice necromancy instead as it better suited my necrophilia" - Lou
"... What's that mean?" - Co-worker
"Do not look that up!" - Lou
After an Unassuming Activity - Jan 27th
"Aha! I caught you." - Co-worker
"Caught what? Me getting a drink of water? I'm not a gazelle and you are not a lion. You aren't going to rip out my jugular when I'm unaware. ... Right?" - Lou
In Response to my Rambling - Jan 23rd
"I don't even know what to say." - Co-worker
"Then I succeeded." - Lou
On High Proof Spirits - Jan 23rd
"I don't know why some people wouldn't want to consume such an excessive amount of alcohol. Oh right, their lives aren't terrible." - Lou
Trying to Figure Out What Happened - Jan 20th
"What was all that laughing going on in here?" - Co-worker
"Huh? Oh, I dunno. She came into my office, so I -- of course -- had to say something stupid. It began with me burning down the lab and ended with all of us going to hell." - Lou
Actually what I talked about prior.
Claiming to be The Devil - Jan 17th
"Kinda revealed your secret, there." - Guy
"Yeah, but it doesn't matter. No one here will live long enough to tell anyone. I have a feeling that you shall all meet your end here tonight, by an undisclosed means. So, did you try a chocolate-covered pretzel? I made them myself. Mwaha-hah!" - Lou
Catching the Tail End of a Talk - Jan 14th
"You walked in at the worst time, by which I mean any time because it was something that I said, so it was pretty awful." - Lou
On a Heartless Corporation - Jan 14th
"They are just awful, and not even awfully great, the only type of awful I do." - Lou
Parenting Advice for Quadruplets - Jan 9th
"Why bother with diapers? Just move to a farm and free range them, letting them run around pantless and letting nature fall where it may. And this is probably why I'm not allowed to have children." - Lou
After Given an Imaginary Trophy - Jan 6th
"Sniff, this is the first trophy I've ever won. Well, outside of the one my parents gave me for being their least favorite child. That... that wasn't a good Christmas." - Lou
Last Modified - December 31st, 2015 | Established - January 11th, 2015
