Yes, I Actually Said This '14
I'm a never-ending fountain of absurd sayings, wit, and otherwise appalling phrases. I spout these so often that I always swore, "I gotta write these down!" Well, it only took me ten years to get around to doing just that.
Quotes from 2014
Destination of Holiday Goodies - Dec 19th
"What?! Your son?!? None of that wonderfulness was intended for him. I demand that you punch him in the gut and reclaim it. Don't worry; I'm certain it's as good going up as it was going in. Some may say better if mother birds are on to anything." - Lou
Refusing to Stop - Dec 8th
"That'd be like telling the sun not to shine." - Co-worker
"What do you mean? I tell it all the time." - Lou
"Hey, you! I've told you, stop it. I've had enough of your daylight. Cut it out!" - While pointing upward
When He Put his Head Down to Rest - Nov 18th
"Okay, once he falls asleep, let's steal his wallet and split it three ways!" - Lou
"I'm going to hold onto this. Good luck getting it now." - Guy
"Alright, new plan: we give him a brain parasite to extract his PIN and clear out his bank account! ... So, does anyone know where we can get a brain parasite?" - Lou
"I know a guy." - Man
"Great! Wait, this is the thought-extracting type of brain parasitet and not the edible kind, right? 'Cuz if it is, I'll need that guy's number, too. I'm planning a big dinner this weekend." - Lou
"Oh, making the family a Thanksgiving meal?" - Woman
"What? No, this is for people I like. My family doesn't deserve brain parasite quality." - Lou
On her Cat with My Name - Nov 18th
"You're just jealous of him." - Co-worker
"I'm not jealous of your treatment of it; I'm jealous of the food it gets to eat. Real meat from a tin can? The 'meat' I get comes in a burlap sack. And, let me tell you, that is not the best way to store meat." - Lou
Coincidently, this shortly followed her declaration of never having an "awkward" conversation with me.
Before Leaving Friday - Nov 14th
"Have a good weekend." - Co-worker
"How dare you. You can't tell me what to do. My weekend is gonna be awful. I'll come back Monday wearing tattered rags with soot on my face, crying out: Oh, the horrors! The horrors of the weekend!" - Lou
"... Okay..." - Co-worker
Dining Recommendations - Nov 13th
"Why are you asking about Indian food? Planning on replacing all of your blood with it?" - Lou
"What? No. That was the weirdest thing you've ever said to me." - Co-worker
"Really? That's a lofty claim. Do I hold back with you?" - Lou
Making Him Walk Away, Shaking his Head - Nov 10th
"I knew the only way to make that situation any more absurd was to refer to him being jelly." - Lou
Amending her Life Story - Nov 10th
"I think I know your own life better than you. After all, I've drank more gasoline; I have more life experience." - Lou
"... I can't say you're wrong about that." - Co-worker
"Yes! Finally, someone didn't say I was wrong!" - Lou
"Well, I didn't say you were right." - Co-worker
"Hey, I need this, okay?" - Lou
"Okay then... I'm glad I could help." - Co-worker
"Actually, you've only made me realize how meaningless my life is. Sigh, time to go to the BP..." - Lou
My Dry Erase Board Portraits - Oct 23rd
"That one has a forked tongue because -- I guess -- he thinks I'm the devil, which means he knows too much! And that's why you haven't seen him around for a while, even though he was here yesterday. Or was he? The answer is 'yes'; I re-animated his corpse 'cuz, you know, I'm the devil. I can do that. And since you know now, you'll have to die, too." - Lou
Serious Work Business - Oct 23rd
"We should hold a competition to determine your best friend." - Co-worker
"That sounds like a contest everyone would throw. 'Ow. Oh no, I sprained my... everything. Looks like I will have to drop out.' 'But, this contest is for you.' 'Not even I can stand me.'" - Lou
On her Rotten Luck with Apartments - Oct 23rd
"Well, don't blame me. It's not like I have a voodoo doll to curse you with or a voodoo dollhouse." - Lou
Dislike of her Cat - Oct 20th
"I don't not like it. I just don't like that it has the same name as me. I can't tell whether you're talking about it or me. 'Then he coughed up a hairball on my new jacket.' 'Well, that could be about me, and if it isn't, I sure hope she doesn't find what I did to her coat.'" - Lou
...
"I hate you." - Co-worker
Regarding Worthless Office Possessions - Oct 2nd
"People say that, but, like, they really have gold bricks stashed everywhere." - Co-worker
"Please, I don't store my gold in there. It's where I hide the bodies. They aren't worth much monetarily, but in terms of my freedom... pretty high." - Lou
After a Not So Helpful Comment - Sep 15th
"You're welcome! Anything else I can help you with?" - Lou
"You could stab her in the back?" - Coworker
"Ugh! I was already planning on doing that later. Now if I do it, it'll seem like I got the idea from you. Great. Now I'm gonna have to go with a hammer to the back of the head. Man, that's so messy, and I really like this shirt." - Lou
After Receiving Orders - Sep 15th
"You didn't remember what you ordered? You drunk." - Lou
"I'm not drunk." - Coworker
"Suuure, and I don't drink at work either. Hah hah!" - Lou
Regarding Childhood Dreams - Aug 19
"Children don't know what they want to be when they're that young. They're all, 'I wanna be a fireman.' 'Oh, you want to save people from fires?' 'No, I wanna be a man made of fire that the fire fighters try to stop.' Kids." - Lou
After One Coworker Slighted Another - Aug 14th
"I think she's going to get revenge against you, probably when you least suspect it or when there's a green bottle with a skull-and-cross-bones next to your coffee mug. Better... better wash that out." - Lou
Responding to a Bad Day Claim - Jul 26th
"Is it? Is it the worst day? Did you catch the plague and find out that all your limbs have to be amputated, and then they were amputated with a butter knife? 'Cuz that sounds like the worst day to me." - Lou
Deeming Bad Life Choices - Jul 25th
"What right do I have to judge you, with this hair and a stripper exgirlfriend?" - Lou
On Being a Loveable Jerk - Jul 23rd
"Why do you hate me?" - Co-worker
"I don't hate you; I just don't feel like going far outside the lab to find lives to ruin. You're here. I'm just lazy, you see." - Lou
Use of my Spare Time - Jul 22nd
"Yes, I spend my free time keeping up on the latest hair styles so that I can belittle them. I could either do that or, you know, better myself. Pfft." - Lou
While Splitting Wood - Jul 6th
"That one split like a baby. ... Wait, that's not a metaphor. Why did my mind go there? That can't be good." - Lou
On Tractor Square-Dancing - Jun 30th
"It doesn't surprise me that there is such a thing. There's not much to do in rural areas. You can drink, you can square dance, or you can drive a tractor. So, it probably didn't take much to realize the obvious fourth option." - Lou
On Topic of Turtle Soup - Jun 30th
"They say that it tastes like chicken... Okay, I'll take your word on that. They also say that people taste like chicken, but I don't wanna try it. Frankly, I don't know why this is known, but I'm not gonna question the ranting homeless man in a tinfoil hat." - Lou
On my Slight Tardiness - Jun 25th
"Hey, I had a good reason for being late: I was drinking the night before." - Lou
"Psst! I really wasn't. I just want her to think that I'm cool." - Lou, whispering loudly
Regarding my Twindom - Jun 24th
"It's hard to believe that there's two of you." - Co-worker
"Most people don't want to." - Lou
Conern for a Peanut Allergy - Jun 18th
"Well, normally there wouldn't be any peanuts in there, but it was raining a lot today and I thought, if it flooded, I could ride your puffed-up corpse to safety." - Lou
Surprised by an Early Arrival at Work - Jun 6th
"Oh, I was wondering how that door opened. At first I was thinking, 'Did I develop psychic powers? Yes! Those lessons finally paid off. And everyone told me that I wasted that ten-thousand dollars. And -- oh, no, wait. It was just someone else opening the door. Aaaw, man. I was really looking forward to rubbing it in everyone's faces. But, no one knows that I didn't develop psychic powers, and there's only this one witness. Say, see this bottle labeled sulfuric acid? It's actually fruit punch; why don't you drink some?' The sad thing is that I could go on with this." - Lou
All his Appliances Changed to Natural Gas - Apr 17th
"A gas symphony? Gotta say, that doesn't sound like something I'd want to be a part of." - Lou
About the Company Kept - Mar 26th
"I talk to people. Just... when no one else is around. Oh dear, I realized how wrong and true that sounded." - Lou
Favoring my Rumballs - Mar 6th
"I'm glad y'all enjoy it. Like my father always said: If I can get a family to consume more alcohol, it'll comparatively make mine look more normal." - Lou
Months Flying By - Mar 6th
"Where does the time go? Hopefully into this time catcher I invested in to be later sold off for a hefty profit~! I don't know quite how a tin can taped to a shoe box has temporal powers, but that shifty man in the alley assured me otherwise." - Lou
After Musing - Jan 28th
"Do you know what's weird?" - Boss
"That growth I have on my back that looks like a small person?" - Lou
On Me Being a Good Person - Jan 9th
"You can't make that claim. Do you know how many bodies I have in my basement?" - Lou
"None." - Coworker
"Precisely! 'Cuz I don't have a basement. I use other people's, and boy do they have a shock when they finally find them. And that's what I call the Joy of Christmas!" - Lou
Regarding his Health - Jan 8th
"That's because you eat shit, and I don't mean figuratively. I've seen you coming out of the bathroom wiping your mouth!" - Lou
Last Modified - December 20th, 2014 | Established - July 27th, 2014
