Yes, I Actually Said This '13
I'm a never-ending fountain of absurd sayings, wit, and otherwise appalling phrases. I spout these so often that I always swore, "I gotta write these down!" Well, it only took me ten years to get around to doing just that.
Quotes from 2013
Parting Before the Holidays - Dec 20th
"Well, have a good Christmas an' all that. Well, I want you to have a terrible New Year; you can only enjoy one." - Lou
Offering Tech Support - Nov 25th
"As usual, turning it off and on solved it. Doing that fixes everything, even people. Although, they are a lot harder to restart. " - Lou
On Needing to be Somewhere Twenty Minutes Ago - Nov 22nd
"Hey, I reserve my time machine usage solely to undo eating things from couch cushions." - Lou
Butting in at Work - Nov 22nd
"I'll only be two seconds."
...
"I've already lied." - Lou
When I was Late - Nov 20th
"I'm not late; you're late. Take a pregnancy test." - Lou
Regarding a Purchase - Nov 14th
"Well, I think you can afford three dollars." - Woman
"I dunno; in this economy? Eh..." - Lou
After Giving Him a Hard Time - Nov 6th
"What a dick!" - Boss
"That's what the ladies tell me." - Lou
Discussing Emotional Triggers - Nov 3rd
"You'll never be able to guess my trigger." - Guy
"That sounds like a challenge. I think we should try to find the triggers for each of us. Hint: mine is asian twins." - Lou
No one believed me, and the shifty eyes weren't helping.
To the Recently Wed - Oct 11th
"So, how's marriage so far? Ignore the fact that your husband is standing right behind you." - Lou
"Huh? Sorry, I wasn't listening." - Husband
"Wow, he's already picked that needed trait -- not listening." - Lou
Regarding Wedding Plans - Sep 12th
"All you have to do is put all your money into an open bar. Then, no one will remember if it was any good or not." - Lou
Interrupting his Story - Sep 12th
"The strangest thing happened last night." - Boss
"Was it an alien taking your liver? 'Cuz, I swear, it wasn't me in an alien costume." - Lou
Sins of a Past Life - Sep 11th
"How many hookers did you kill to deserve this?" - Lou
"How many babies." - Boss
"No, killing babies is rewarded; killing hookers is a sin. I mean, people pay to be in the company of hookers, but you pay other people to watch over your kids." - Lou
Regarding Bad Goings On - Sep 9th
"Plenty of things are as shitty as they can be. For example: fecal matter." - Lou
Giving Him a Hard Time - Aug 30th
"You disappoint me sometimes." - Coworker
"My parents say the same thing, only they don't say sometimes." - Lou
Regarding Choice of Beverage - Jul 25th
"Unless the proof can be written as three digits, I say, 'I guess I can try it.' Also, I black out a lot. Don't think the two are related." - Lou
Entering in the Middle of a Conversation - Jul 25th
"We were talking about sacrificing you to Zodd." - Guy
"Zodd? I thought you worshiped Ba'al? And here I wasted giving you a goat to offer. Those things are expensive you know." - Lou
"Why do you think I asked for the whole thing? Mwahaha!" - Guy
"Jokes on you; it was just a cat with horns taped to it. Why do you think you had such a poor harvest!" - Lou
"Noooo! ... So... was that from something, or was that just us?" - Guy
"No, that was all us. I don't know if we should be proud or..." - Lou
Regarding One's Weight Gain - Jul 19th
"It's like watching a Jenny Craig commercial in reverse." - Lou
Discussing Outdoor Activities - Jul 17th
"People weren't made to sit inside all day." - Girl
"Sure we were. That's why the ass of the species is growing as a whole." - Lou
Discussing my Baked Goods - Jul 16th
"You'd have to chop them up. A whole walnut would take up half the cookie with how big you make them." - Girl
"Hey! Are you insulting my size?" - Lou
Discussing Coding - Jul 15th
"Well, I don't have a girlfriend, so this is what I do." - Lou
"It doesn't mean you can't." - Co-worker
"It... kinda does. It's sort of an Ouroboros. And the fact that I said that is another reason why." - Lou
Discussing her Weekend - Jul 15th
"Well, I just got married, so I am really tired." - Girl
"Mm-hmm. Well, I'm going to assume you mean from all the running around and preparations and not what else you could mean." - Lou
A Kitten Kept Puffing Up its Fur - Jul 11th
"Aw! She has size issues. Don't worry; I know how you feel. I mean... what?" - Lou
Ruining an Innocent Sibling Game - Jul 2nd
"Wait... so, your sister wants you to look at her ass?" - Lou
Tearing Apart an Improperly Cut Sandwich - Jun 25th
"Oh, no! Now it's deformed -- just like me." - Lou
"I'm sure the taste is still great. I meant the sandwich. I saw that look." - Girl
"I have no idea what you mean. I was merely exercising my eyes." - Lou
The Benefits of a Restaurant that Serves Human Flesh - Jun 6th
"Plus, you'd never run out of food as long as you stayed nine months ahead of the curve~!" - Lou
After a Coworker Flubbed - Jun 5th
"Did you just drop it twice? You gotta stop drinking at work, or at least start sharing." - Lou
During a Chemical Routine - Jun 4th
"Are you ready for chloroform time?" - Girl
"No... it's not Friday night." - Lou
Regarding Work Behavior - Jun 1st
"No, that would be sexual harassment. Instead, I'll hit on the chicks at your work, and you can hit on the chicks at mine. Then there's nothing wrong with it~!" - Lou
Regarding a Deck in Need of Paint - Jun 1st
"Just light it on fire and let nature do the work for ya. Jeez, that seems to be my solution for everything tonight. Baby won't stop crying? Well..." - Lou
His Girlfriend Wanted an Adult Onesie - May 30th
"She's only five feet tall, so it'd be like sleeping with a child." - Guy
"So, what's the problem?" - Lou
Regarding Hipster Fashion - May 30th
"I have tight, red pants. Does that make me a hipster?" - Girl
"No, women are exempt from those rules." - Lou
"So we can wear tight red anything, and no one will care?" - Girl
"When women wear tight red anything, people applaud." - Lou
Regarding Supply Costs - May 29th
"No, they're free. They're made from wishes and dreams." - Lou
"And unicorns?" - Girl
"Pfft! You wouldn't waste unicorns. Those things are too valuable to use in making them. They're so tasty." - Lou
On Attraction Aiding Sales - May 23rd
"That's how it works for everything. Haven't you noticed that the most Girl Scout Cookies are sold by the hot ones?" - Lou
"So... do you just sit around and think this stuff up?" - Guy
"Think? No, I meant that one." - Lou
After Saying Something Odd - May 23rd
"That just sounds like a euphemism." - Guy
"... for what?" - Lou
"I dunno. Anything." - Guy
"Pfft. That is the worst euphemism for bookbinding ever. 'Bookbinding,' itself, being a euphemism for doggy style." - Lou
The Joys of Child Birth - May 22nd
"You're happy, and scared, and thrilled, and in pain, and sad all at once." - Woman
"I feel like that after eating a whole cake in one sitting." - Lou
After Creatively Describing Stuck Together Gummy Bears - May 22nd
"I just put that in my mouth. I just put incest in my mouth." - Lou
Loading Food Back into a Cooler - May 14th
"I'll hold it open, and you shove it in." - Woman
"... I'm really trying not to say anything." - Lou
Upon Mishearing a Carnival Staple - May 14th
"I dunno, I kinda would like to try Elephant Beer. Heh, this elephant always forgets." - Lou
After Disappointing - May 11th
"You fail at everything." - Girl
"Okay, mom." - Lou
Happy Mother's Day~!
After my Masculinity was Challenged - May 8th
"Hey... I'm standing right here. And it's here, too~!" - Lou
She was Doing Me a Favor - May 6th
"Do you need anything from the biochem store?" - Undergrad
"Do they have hoagies?" - Lou
"... Nnno." - Undergrad
"What about puppies?" - Lou
"Aw! I wanna get a puppy so-" - Undergrad
"'Cuz if they don't sell hoagies, I'll have to make my own." - Lou
"Ah! Horrible!" - Undergrad
After Saying She'd Arrive Late - May 2nd
"Typical women~!" - Coworker
"Yeah, always being late with their period, and somehow it's my fault." - Lou
"Whoa! Not expecting that." - Coworker
Regarding my Hairstyle - Apr 25th
"My hair doesn't blow in the wind; it more of just blows." - Lou
On Being Fatally Poisoned - Apr 24th
"Why do you care if you die? You're graduating from college; it's all downhill after that." - Lou
"... That's the most depressing thing I've heard about graduating..." - Undergrad
"I try." - Lou
Discussing Homemade Jam Difficulties - Apr 5th
"Somethings you're just better off buying." - Girl
"Like love." - Lou
"That... doesn't make any sense." - Girl
"It does, but you shouldn't think about it too much." - Lou
"... Aw! I thought about it. Shame on you!" - Girl
"Shame on you for thinking." - Lou
I Don't Even Know - Apr 4th
"No, comparing anything to a frog under a pile of spagetti is probably the opposite of a compliment." - Lou
Regarding a Computer Problem - Apr 1st
"Would killing it help?" - Boss
"Killing fixes everything, except for problems with your girlfriend. That just makes things much worse." - Lou
After Saying Something Cheeky - Mar 31st
"Sigh. What are we going to do with you?" - Dad
"I dunno. Buy me a puppy?" - Lou
"What kind?" - Dad
"Whatever tastes good." - Lou
No Set-up Required - Mar 30th
"Oh, and here I thought you were going to say, 'Go-go Gadget Something Pertaining to Rape'." - Lou
Regarding a New Beer - Mar 30th
"I'd be careful not to drink that Game of Thrones™ beer around any of your siblings. It could quickly get ... awkward." - Lou
When I Needed the Computer - Mar 29th
"I need to read some plates. Whatever you're doing isn't important. Not just now, all the time." - Lou
Without Knowing It Was Me - Mar 25th
"This is Lou, by the way. I don't know how obvious that is, outside of the aimless ramble. A good trademark to have. That, or a pet ferret." - Lou
Regarding an Expansion's Name - Mar 23rd
"And that's why it's called Wild West Show™: 'cuz someone's getting screwed by a large dick." - Lou
"Lou... that was perfect." - Guy
"Thank you." - Lou
Making a Toast - Mar 16th
"To wombats, the cutest of all marsupials. Suck it, koalas!" - Lou
On the Horrors of Trauma - Mar 15th
"The fact that I laughed when you said third degree burn really doesn't paint me in too good a light, does it?" - Lou
Words of Wisdom - Mar 11th
"Explanations are overrated. For example, ... mmrrreeeh..." - Lou
After I Failed - Mar 8th
"If at first you don't succeed... give up, you're a loser." - Woman
"Hey, that's the same advice my psychiatrist gave me. ... Aaaw, man... Why am I paying him?" - Lou
On Folks Dressing as Hillbilly/Hippies - Mar 5th
"Dressing as hillippies? Being half-hillbilly myself, I take quarter-offense to that." - Lou
Regarding an Invitation - Mar 4th
"Oo, cordial. I'm used to that word only applying to cherry-filled chocolates." - Lou
Regarding Paper Recycling Receptacles - Mar 4th
"I just realized that there are two bins in the hallway labeled white and color. How as no one complained about that yet?" - Lou
On Making Someone Uneasy - Mar 2nd
"Amazingly, it's more than the standard application of Lou's just creepy and weird an' I don't like 'im, which is pretty umbrella. It has a nice floral pattern an' everything." - Lou
When Asked What I was Doing Friday Night - Mar 1st
"Crocheting -- I mean, something manly. Weaving?" - Lou
Assuring No Ulterior Motives - Feb 24th
"I'm not shifty and pervy. Okay, I'm both in excess, but he doesn't need to know that." - Lou
On an Idea to Get the Girl - Feb 24th
"Yes, that ought to help get that zipper down. McPhearson, you genius who can't remember your own last name!" - Lou
Discussing my Appeal - Feb 22nd
"If women thought deranged was hot, I'd be much happier." - Lou
Trying to See Around Her Boyfriend - Feb 21st
"He's too big!" - Woman
"And that is the only time she's said such about him." - Lou
The Cause of a Broken a Beaker - Feb 15th
"I blame my shirt for catching it." - Girl
"Well, there you go then: you shouldn't wear a shirt when you're in the lab." - Lou
On Acid in the Eye - Feb 15th
"The point is: it was funny, 'cuz it didn't happen to me." - Lou
"You're bad! Terrible, terrible person." - Girl
"If you're just figuring that out about me..." - Lou
Upon Reverting Her to a Child - Feb 14th
"She had breast and you took them away. She's pissed." - Dungeon Master
"She's not the only one~!" - Lou
"What did he say?" - Guy
"He said it, so we're probably better off not knowing." - Other Guy
"I said, she's not the only one~!" - Lou
Happy Valentines Day!
On my Evening Plans - Feb 9th
"I'm sitting in on a game of Game of (?) Thrones™. Here's hoping it's not just musical chairs... with incest." - Lou
Explaining How I Do What I Do- Feb 8th
"Because I'm not human. I'm a robot, fulled by the blood of orphans~!" - Lou
On Questionable Pedophilia - Feb 7th
"Right, that's never been substantiated." - Guy
"Mostly 'cuz little girls run too fast." - Lou
Regarding Ghost Hunting - Feb 7th
"Here's what you do: you kill your gun, and then you can shoot ghost bullets." - Lou
On Being Born with Female Anatomy - Feb 7th
"Well, I think we all wish that, right? ... Uh, I was joking?" - Lou
On a Mother's Love - Feb 7th
"Moms don't love their children, right? Right? 'Cuz I need that validated so I can sleep at night." - Lou
Regarding my Worth - Feb 7th
"You already have my soul and ate all my cookies; what else do I have?" - Lou
Regarding my Sketch Book - Feb 7th
"I filled it in only eleven months? I really need a hobby." - Lou
"I think that... is." - Guy
"Let me rephrase: I really need a girlfriend." - Lou
After a Dirty Look to her Boyfriend - Feb 7th
"Oh! I understand. You just said four point five and then glared at him. I get it, say no more." - Lou
On Old Pictures of Large Purple Men - Feb 7th
"Purple men get all the ladies. You know what they say: once you go purple, you're probably choking and should seek help. What that has to do with landing ladies is beyond me." - Lou
After She Gave a Golden Set-Up - Feb 2nd
"I think this is the first time it's ever happened, but... that's actually what she said!" - Lou
How I Waste Time Online - Feb 2nd
"Were you downloading pr0n?" - Girl
"Yes, I was downloading prawns, and then de-digitizing them to consume. For, as you know, I am part whale." - Lou
On Her Family Time - Jan 31st
"I swear, you and your family. Can't you be cold and distant with them like everyone else is with their own? Some people murder their families. Not a suggestion in any way; just sayin' is all." - Lou
On Practicing Art Versus Living - Jan 23rd
"Sometimes I wonder if such would have been a wiser investment for me, or at least something that could help me get into lady pants. Hm, take French class or art? Certainly doodlin' is the way to drop dem knickers~!" - Lou
Regarding Technical Difficulties - Jan 23rd
"I think my phone is possessed." - Girl
"Better a phone than a toilet. Very. Messy." - Lou
Regarding Broken and Forgotten Equipment - Jan 14th
"Hey. If leaving something in a drawer for a few months doesn't fix its problems, then I have a lot of kittens to bury. ... Oh, come on. I coulda said 'nieces'." - Lou
Signing a Red Cross Release Agreement - Jan 11th
"I'm sure it's fine, unless they added something since the last time I donated. 'What the? I pledge my allegiance to the dark lord Satan? I knew I shouldn't have trusted a company that takes people's blood." - Lou
After Being a Dick - Jan 10th
"You're such a dick. Do you work at being a dick?" - Boss
"No, I was born with this much dick." - Lou
After Finding Some Lab Supplies - Jan 3rd
"I forgot where they were since it's been so long since I had to get one. The same thing happens when I need to take bath." - Lou
On Safety Concerns with an Undergrad - Jan 3rd
"Well, I didn't want him to get decapitated. I'm sure they would make a big deal outta it. Like decapitations are so rare in the lab. Pfft! That's how we went through undergrads one through eight~!" - Lou
Last Modified - August 17th, 2014 | Established - February 17th, 2013
