Yes, I Actually Said This
I'm a never-ending fountain of absurd sayings, wit, and otherwise appalling phrases. I spout these so often that I always swore, "I gotta write these down!" Well, it only took me ten years to get around to doing just that.
Quotes from 2012
On Use of Fraudulent Currency - Dec 31st
"I know the last time I used Monopoly™ money to buy something, the prostitute was not happy." - Lou
Regarding a Success - Dec 31st
"And those fools said taking vitamins daily wouldn't amount to anything. Vitamins being what I call the hearts of orphans." - Lou
On Household Pests - Dec 28th
"Centipedes are great. You can make them wear little hats. That way, when you see one wearing a hat, you can say, 'Hello, Fred'. Or, if you see one without a hat, you can say, 'Eek!' And, if you just see a hat, you hold a memorial service..." - Lou
"What are you talking about in there?" - Mom
"Centipedes wearing hats." - Lou
"Aww!" - Mom
Discussing Defecation during Dinner - Dec 27th
"I wasn't even trying to word it horribly. If I did, I would have said something about squeezing out a brown baby." - Lou
When Requesting a Drink - Dec 20th
"Can you make me a 'redheaded slut', but only half of one?" - Redhead
"I don't think anyone could make her only half as much of a redheaded slut." - Lou, loudly whispering
Regarding a Case of Beer - Dec 20th
"I figured it meant a drunken lab party at work." - Lou
"Known as every day to you." - Coworker
"I didn't know you could see my flask. It was supposed to be invisible; that wizard lied to me!" - Lou
On Why He Would be Late - Dec 16th
"He said he was seeing someone for lunch. I hope it's a lady someone." - Woman
"He didn't tell you 'cuz he wants us to assume that's the case. He's not even at lunch right now. He's just faking it so we'll think that. I know that's what I do. Sniff." - Lou
While He Pet a Cat - Dec 15
"If it's presenting to you, then I think that implies something about your, ahem, size." - Lou
On Having Most Nights Free - Dec 13th
"Yeah, it's great having nothing going on, until you realize how empty your life is. Then I cry, but no tears come out 'cuz I don't have a soul." - Lou
On Enraging his Girlfriend - Dec 13th
"I think I know something that you can do to help. Okay, watch me. ... See how I didn't talk? Do that." - Lou
After Questioning Where the Toilet Paper Was - Dec 7th
"He doesn't need toilet paper; he has a cat." - Lou
Me on Going for Walks - Nov 30th
"Walking? That's for chumps. While at it, so are legs. Go, diabetes~!" - Lou
After Too Many People Already had Plans - Nov 30th
"People busy on a Friday night? News to me! ... (sniff)" - Lou
It Started as Intelligent Conversation - Nov 30th
"Gender is a meaningless classification anyways. Sex is the only one that matters. Oh, you flayed your penis and had your balls cut off? Guess you're a woman now?" - Lou
"This was said at work, just so you know. This was said at work." - Coworker
When Packages Arrived at Work - Nov 30th
"Can you sign for Cantu?" - Delivery Girl
"Cantu? I dunno. That guy is kind of a jerk" - Lou
I handed her back the signature, which was Cantu.
This is Not Atypical at Work - Nov 27th
"You're about to find yourself with a lot more fridge space." - Coworker
"That means more storage spots for body parts." - Lou
"You really shouldn't be having those at work." - Coworker
"Oh, people see so many biohazard bags, what does it matter?" - Lou
Regarding a Large Amount of Daily Medication - Nov 23rd
"Four pills a day is nothing when it coulda been four suppositories. At. Once." - Lou
Sincerely Said, Holding her Hand, Looking into her Eyes - Nov 17th
"I'm saying this with all my heart -- well, not really. I sold most of it long ago, but -- if you spent the day hoping I'd be here, then you really need something better to do to fill up your day." - Lou
We were Joking Around - Nov 17th
"How could you not know that I love you?" - Guy
"Because I lack the most basic human empathy." - Lou
"And that's what drew me to you!" - Guy
After Seeing a Middle-aged Woman Shake her Ass - Nov 17th
"Can I get some bleach to wash my eyes with?" - Lou
"Oh, the things I've seen working here." - Waitress
"You are getting a thirty percent tip." - Lou
When I Needed to Use Something - Nov 15th
"Go ahead. It won't bother me." - Coworker
"Oh, but I'll make it bother you." - Lou
"You're such a dick." - Coworker
"That's what it says on my business card. Lou: Such a dick. 'There's not even a job title on this. Why do you hand it out to people?' Read the card~!" - Lou
After a Disturbing Statement - Nov 8th
"There is definitely something wrong with you." - Coworker
"If there's just something wrong with me, that'd be a surprise." - Lou
Regarding a Package - Oct 25th
"Is that a present for me?" - Coworker
"You don't get any presents. No one likes you. If you were to get a present, it'd be a large turd on your desk." - Lou
"That's not nice." - Coworker
"Hey! I worked very hard to make that for you." - Lou
Upon Hurtful Words - Oct 19th
"I wish there was something I could say to irk you." - Lou
"What do you mean? You say a lot of things that irk me." - Woman
"What? Like 'I love you'?" - Lou
Regarding my Baked Goods - Oct 18th
"It was orgasmic!" - Guy
"Ugh! I don't want to hear you say that. ... Get her to say it." - Lou
On the Lengths I Go for Love - Oct 18th
"I did everything for this woman! Well, except cut my hair and dress better. Pfft!" - Lou
Regarding an Ex-girlfriend - Oct 18th
"Yeah, screw that bitch." - Woman (so... it's okay?)
"Pfft! She never let me." - Lou
Regarding Poison Ingestion - Oct 18th
"Luckily, if I ever need to throw up, I can just look in a mirror~!" - Lou
"(laughter)" - Girl
"... Hey... You don't have to laugh so much." - Lou
Regarding Being Granted a Wish - Oct 5th
"I know what I'd wish for." - Lusty Fellow
"An all-you-can-eat cinnamon roll buffet? I hear that. By the way, 'Cinnamon Roll' is the name of a stripper~!" - Lou
Someone that Didn't Hear Me Coming - Oct 4th
"Oh! You scared me." - Girl
"Yeah, I get that reaction even when they see me coming." - Lou
Regarding Friends with Benefits - Oct 4th
"I don't know anything about that. I have been a boyfriend without benefits." - Lou
"Hah! Oh, um... Well, I guess that wouldn't be so bad if it didn't last-" - Girl
"Over a year, yeah. Pretty bad." - Lou
Regarding my Weight Class - Oct 4th
"You have middle weight, light weight, feather weight, and then birds filled with helium." - Lou
Regarding Jeans Ruined by Acid - Sep 27th
"Remember when I showed you my hole?" - Girl
"Yeah, I wouldn't be forgetting that." - Lou
On if I Needed Someone's Help - Sep 26th
"You could? That's not me asking; I'm just saying it with a question mark." - Lou
On the Subject of Twins - Sep 19th
"Yeah, twins are totally bitches. I should know; I am one." - Lou
Regarding Noisy Children at Home - Sep 19th
"Wait, you have kids?" - Lou
"No, we're watching our nieces." - Guy
"Oh, so you're getting incentive to not have them." - Lou
Regarding Enhanced E. Coli - Sep 18th
"We can feed it to Lou and give him life-long diarrhea." - Coworker
"Jokes on you. I already have life-long diarrhea." - Lou
On a No-Matter-What D&D Game, No Matter Who Shows Up - Sep 15th
"But, what if the Rapture comes? Will it play?" - Lou
"Yes!" - Dungeon Master
"Aw, man. It's a total min-max." - Lou
On the Sway of my Baking - Sep 13th
"You hold too much power here." - Undergrad
"I know. I could show up naked to work, and no one would fire me!" - Lou
"Me too!" - Girl, very enthusiastically
"Well, I'm not gonna argue with that." - Lou
Regarding an Odor - Sep 10th
"Smells like granny's pie." - Guy
"Unfortunately, he is not talking about her baking." - Lou
Regarding a Cantaloupe - Sep 10th
"I've had better -- pieces of shit~!" - Lou
Regarding my Recent Illness - Sep 10th
"Eating healthy is probably what caused it. I don't think bugs can live in me ordinarily. They get in and then realize they can't live in me. Then I shuffle them into a special gland in my throat where I can squirt a concentrated viral cocktail at my enemies." - Lou
During an Anecdote - Sep 10th
"Not that I can talk. I'm scum, too." - Boss
"But you're a different kind of scum. You're more like mildew." - Lou
Regarding What I Thought I Heard - Sep 9th, 2012
"Did you say 'dicking'?" - Lou
"Yep, it's an actually word." - Girl
"Good, then those creepy letters I've been writing were using correct grammar." - Lou
Regarding a Last Minute Cancellation - Sep 7th, 2012
"Why only when I get here on time!" - Lou
"Because God hates us, Lou. Because God hates us." - Dungeon Master
"Well, yes. I mean, I own a mirror. Hates and cruel sense of humor." - Lou
Regarding Our Weekly D&D Game Being Rescheduled - Sep 6th, 2012
"But... that's Friday. What if one of us has a hot date -- ha-hah! Oh, I couldn't even finish it. Yeah, we'll all be there." - Lou
Regarding a Prank - Jun 15th, 2012
"We'll get her to come over here and then you can jump out of the box, naked." - Coworker
"I shuttered at the thought of me naked, so can you imagine her horror?" - Lou
Regarding an Undergrads Clumsiness - May 30th, 2012
"That's enough of your oafery! ... You know what, scratch that. It sounds too much like some other word." - Lou
"It is the other word." - Coworker
Regarding Someone Else's Assistant - May 21st, 2012
"Hey, she does your business, so I can get in her business~!" - Lou
I immediately went to hell.
Regarding a Friend's Recent Break Up - May 12th, 2012
"She needs to deal with this like a normal person: get drunk and bring home some random guy from the bar." - Woman
"I... have to go to a bar now..." - Lou
"You don't know which one." - Woman
"I'll go to all of them." - Lou
Regarding the Outdoors - May 10th, 2012
"You don't like the outdoors. You melt in sunlight." - Coworker
"I melt and burn simultaneously. It's a scientific anomaly." - Lou
"You're the wicked witch!" - Coworker
"No, she just melted, and in water. I'm the good witch. Her weakness was sunlight. That's why she traveled around in that bubble." - Lou
"But, it was see-through." - Coworker
"Yes, but it was UV-blocking." - Lou
"This is the stupidest conversation ever." - Unfortunate Bystander
"Oh, I say far stupider all the time. You're just not around me enough." - Lou
Regarding a False Punch - May 3rd, 2012
"I just wish your crotch was pointing towards me more. ... I hope that's the only time I ever say those words." - Lou
Regarding Poisoning Me - Apr 30th, 2012
"It wouldn't kill me if I just touched it, though. I'd have to get it in my system somehow, like by biting my nails or picking nose -- both of which I do, but not in that order~!" - Lou
Regarding Someone's Tardiness - Apr 15th, 2012
"She's probably on a coke binge. And when I say 'coke', I don't mean cocaine. No, it's Coca-Cola -- cut with heroin. That's the new Coke~!" - Lou
Regarding Illegible Text - Mar 20th, 2012
"It looks like a butterfly." - Undergrad
"Yeah, if its wing was exploding the word 'date', which is a common sight. At least for me. But I do a lot of acid, and I don't mean LSD." - Lou
"... What?" - Unfortunate Bystander
"You're not supposed to be listening~!" - Lou
Regarding a Container of Samples - Mar 20th, 2012
"I didn't even check. I just did things to the bag. ... That did not sound right." - Lou
Last Modified - February 17th, 2013 | Established - September 9th, 2012
