Why I'm Still Single
As you might have gathered (from simply looking at this site or the seeing the blatant message that I've been at it since 1999), I don't date much. Like, rarely is a far stretch. So, like many other pathetic lonesomes out there, I took to on-line dating. ... "Awful" is a far stretch to how that turned out. With zero potential success at every turn, I've taken the medium less seriously and gradually turned it into "What sorta messed up shit can I say to people?" while still meaning it. It's like I'm hitting on chicks while pretending to be myself? Here, I've compiled just a sample of what I've blabbed to women, pretty much explaining why I'm doomed to bachelorhood.
Reasons from 2017
Regarding the Prior Evening - Feb 5th
"I have no recollection of the previous night. Therefore, it was either really crappy or really great."
Covering All (Terrible) Bases - Feb 5th
"Between the multiple fronts of jest about substance abuse, aiding in the eradication of humanity, and display of both yarn work and obscure mythological trivia, I really have to ask myself: what stone is left unturned? Maybe some mention of cannibalism?"
In this Rant, I desire to be Mythological King - Feb 5th
"Bar bathrooms are magical places and sometimes serve as the home to leprechauns. At least, he said he was one, despite being a little bit too tall. And his pot of gold looked more like a sandwich bag, and the coins were more like a white powder. But, hey, who am I question the habits of Celtic fey? Gwn app Knudd? I wish!"
Suspecting a Robot Agenda - Feb 5th
"You've been so deep into this persona that you can't even remember how you started: a pink, squishy infiltration unit meant to gather humanity's weaknesses. Psst, sharp things work just fine; we aren't that complicated. Also, poisoned Twinkies™."
Famous Last Name - Feb 4th
"Any relation to that Lennon? Or, do you happen to have Russki family and made 'wise changes' to arrive at the current, less evil spelling?"
Handling Three Word Messages - Feb 4th
"You just unloaded a real moth-ful there. Note: not a 'mouthful'. Pretty much imagine that's the equal volume to a moth."
Reasons from 2016
Explaining her Own Short Disappearance - Sep 24th
"I'm guessing thwarting the invasion of the Moon Mole Men. The moon can have mole men, why not? We're not the only satellite that can produce subterranean dwellers."
Offering between a Real Choice and... - Sep 15th
"I'm going to be honest: there never were any puppets; those things frighten me so, and I'm too old to be needing to change my pants."
Context is Unnecessary - Sep 13th
"You try to not scar babies for life? ... Huh. I mean, I guess that's a route to take, but... just seems wrong to me. Maybe because I'm a horrible person."
Her Singing Hurt Others - Sep 13th
"Right right, so this one is either a banshee or a siren. Or, boringly, tone deaf. Pfft, that's not in any bestiaries."
Hands-on vs. Book Learning - Aug 31st
"Such only gets you the substance without the style. Or, is it the other way around? Elyts eht tuohtiw ecnatsbus. ... I think I just conjured a demon with that. Welp, there goes my soul."
Spotting my Doppelganger - Aug 4th
"Guess that means you found my Doppelganger. This, being in excess to the biologically identical one I already know about. Dag nabbit, how many clones of me are there? I could have sworn that I had them all either contained or returned to their valuable base components. I mean, no, I am not conducting any illegal cloning research. That... that would be crazy, heh heh. Yep, crazy.
"... I have a me fighting ring..."
Conveying my Way with Words - Jul 30th
"I tend to be a bit of a word smith myself. Also, a regular smith. Would that be a James Smith? I guess those are probably more common than the forgers of medieval weaponry, which -- clearly -- I am not."
Identified as "Jane Doe" - Jul 13th
"That's a happenstantial name to have. Unless, you actually are a deer... a robot deer. Dun, dun, duuuuun!"
Nerding It Up - Jun 26th
"Wow, you really haven't been doing much with the 'nerd life style'. And here I thought I was falling behind on my so-called membership dues. I feel like a full-blown geek now. That's, uh, a positive thing? Sounds like that's how I meant it."
On Religious Tolerance - Apr 9th
"Religion-wise, you really only should not have beef with Hindus. Ba-dum-bah-chhh!"
Expectations for Youth - Apr 9th
"Is it asking too much that one knows basic multiplication or can write in script? I don't want some excuse like, "they're still in diapers" or other nonsense. I was doing advanced calculus in my soiled shorts. Full disclosure, this was three years ago."
Congratulating her Wit - Apr 9th
"Yes, quite witty. You get two wit points for this endeavor; spend them wisely and not all at once. With two, I think you can get either a fanny-pack or a dozen POG. Remember POG? They're still relevant in the wit-point exchange store!"
- Mar 24th
"Just to check, you are a scientist from the country France, not just a scientist who is conducting research on the French population? I guess it could be both the given scenarios, but that just seems silly."
Things to Come - Feb 6th
"Got more "humor" where that came from, if wondering, like a million of 'em. ... Well, okay, two exactly."
She Demanded to be Entertained - Feb 6th
"I have some sock puppets, would those be of any entertainment value? Granted, due to a laundry snag, one said puppet is currently being worn, so it'd be an interesting show."
Enjoying my Profile - Feb 6th
"Glad that someone got some enjoyment out of that thing -- you know, excluding the raccoons that will be playing keep-away with it once it hits the junk yard. That's what happens with the old things to my a-knowings. Of course, my a-knowings isn't that great, especially since I refer to intelligence as a-knownings."
Learning About Her - Jan 31st
"A quick too-much-information-on-people search shows that there are upwards to four people with your name. Also, their street address, social security number, and a complete list of mortal fears! Wow, you really can look up anything these days."
Mostly, she said "Ugh" - Jan 28th
"A strong wisdom is telling me that your 'ugh' is not, sadly, some hip, new, trendy abbreviation but rather the collective exasperation of the worse gender wearing down on you. Wish that I could apologize for them, but I don't consider myself the same species."
"Still, it would be rather fun to imagine what this "ugh" could stand for. Ultra Glam Hoosier? Unlikely Grouch House? Never said they'd be any good..."
Her Various Interests - Jan 3rd
"Science, shenanigans, and a rabbit? I foresee the potential for a classic, campy B-movie in the makings."
Last Modified - September 24th, 2016 | Established - February 7th, 2016
