Why I'm Still Single
As you might have gathered (from simply looking at this site or the seeing the blatant message that I've been at it since 1999), I don't date much. Like, rarely is a far stretch. So, like many other pathetic lonesomes out there, I took to on-line dating. ... "Awful" is a far stretch to how that turned out. With zero potential success at every turn, I've taken the medium less seriously and gradually turned it into "What sorta messed up shit can I say to people?" while still meaning it. It's like I'm hitting on chicks while pretending to be myself? Here, I've compiled just a sample of what I've blabbed to women, pretty much explaining why I'm doomed to bachelorhood.
Reasons from 2015
- Dec 28th
"When you say that you like 'adventure' and 'exploring', do you mean delving into caverns to slay dragons or, like, outta town trips and wine tastings? I guess both are good. Also, probably a 'hello'. I'm Lou. I may/may not own a suit of armor."
Technological Advantages - Dec 10th
"Of course, I'm using a desktop. If you're phoning it in -- well, there's a reason it got its name. Note: ignore time line and continuity errors that make this impossible."
Scheduling Rewrites - Dec 2nd
"You're acting like I'm saying 'No, never, fire, and brimstone!' I just said later, and maybe some brimstone for good measure. Can one ever not have enough sulfur? ... Probably."
Called Me Good Looking - Dec 1st
"Oh, jeez, how embarrassing. This was sent to my inbox rather than the good lookin' fellah it was intended for. You must be mortified, mortified with, I dunno, extra Mort?"
Delayed Communication - Nov 15th
"Let me guess what happened: you left home to join the circus, and it took some time before you found an elephant with wi-fi. Then, it turned out that the carnies were just messing with the newbie and that trunkies don't have internet capabilities, so you went to a wired café instead. My interpretation of life is better than reality. Also, my nickname for elephants."
Rejecting an Apology - Nov 15th
"You're not sorry; Sorry!™ is a board game, and very poor one at that. Are you saying that you have slides to knock me back to start? 'Cuz I don't think that you do."
A... Compliment? - Nov 8th
"I like the cut of your jib, and it seems that jib these days is in very short supply. Suppose people are peddling what little they have off to the black market. That prrrobably makes more sense the less you think about it."
Calculated Matching - Nov 8th
"The magic numbers suggest that we'd get along like peanut butter and some form of gelatin-based, grape flavored spread."
Given a Choice of Two- Oct 31st
"One of those, probably, and certainly not a third one, because there isn't a third option. Unless it's a ghost! See? Halloween styled ranting."
On a Possible Clone - Oct 31st
"I swear, if there is another person who still fits all these traits, that'd go beyond 'coincidence' and trot on into Twilight Zone stuff at that point. An unknown doppelganger, but which one is the evil twin? Speaking as a twin myself, I can attest that both are evil!"
Speaking of Ice Cream - Oct 31st
"Now I want to use ice cream instead of milk on my cereal. You know, for... for science. I am a scientist, after all."
Typo about a "Daughter which is..." - Oct 16th
"You allow your four year old daughter to practice witchcraft?! Now, I may know next to nothing about parenting (to be exact: nothing), but - oh... no, wait. Never mind."
Biology Lessons - Sep 24th
"Gall bladders aren't that important. I mean, you have a regular bladder as back-up, as my purposefully misinformed anatomy tells me."
Sensitive People - Sep 22nd
"Everyone means to be so sensitive, especially those with hyper-photo-sensitivity. They totally mean to have a violent reaction with the sun!"
Humanity's Concern with Things - Aug 22nd
"People don't care; Care Bears care, and them alone. Maybe people after getting hit with one of those stares..."
Regarding Death - Aug 19th
"If nothing died, the planet would get very, very crowded. Also, it'd be really hard to eat stuff. "
Ways of the World - Aug 8th
"These milestones are set by the Milestone Committee, a subsidiary of the Human Social Engineering Project, aka Illuminati, Powers-That-Be, or Powers-That-Are-Bees. (Fear the insect overlords.)"
Not Sensitive to Medical Conditions - Aug 7th
"Egg allergy, huh? Not gonna mention, then, these delicious cookies I made the other day. Oh, sooo good. You can really taste the egg in them. Well, not really, but you know it's there. So egg-good, mmmmm.
Everybody Loves Kites? - Aug 7th
"I, for one, don't like kites. A kite killed my father. It was a dream, granted, but the memory still burns."
Flipping on Old Saying - Aug 7th
"... for Pete's sake (note: said "sah-keh", ol' Petie gots a drinking problem)."
Deviled Eggs - Aug 4th
"Damn holy ova. Why they gotta be incarnations of good an' all? And how is a mayo-mustard combination exactly devilish? The mysteries of life."
On Eventually Implanting Phones - Aug 2nd
"I'd be more worried about getting tiny McDonalds™ or Starbucks™ implanted in our stomachs, with the way things seem to be going. Worried with joy!"
On Being Judgmental - Aug 2nd
"People can't tell how harshly you are judging them unless you strut about in a black robe and brandish a gavel. The white wig wouldn't hurt, either."
Troubles with Giving Out Digits - Aug 1st
"Lost my num-?! I swear, it's like you're not even trying with this stalker biz! Next I'll learn that it only was just a raccoon in my bushes. Although, why did it have the cam-corder? Answer: hipster raccoon."
Understanding Alcoholic Beverages - Aug 1st
"I don't really know if there's much to understand about mead. It's not like it's modern art or why I got that traffic ticket. Honestly, the officer went pretty easy on me seeing that they had to go back to get more body bags.
"Note: fictional event; I was never caught!"
After a Healthy Dose of Banter - Jul 5th
"Welp, think that conveyed enough, quote-unquote, 'personality'. And yes, I did just type it effectively twice. That's how I roll. Awkwardly and at an uneven pace."
Methods to Cheer Up - Jul 5th
"I have homemade cookies, like, often. Them always make peeps happier. And if they don't, then that person is already dead. Or, I dunno, gluten allergy? Which, really, is pretty much dead."
Puns are the Best - Jul 5th
"Sounds like you should be -- rather than chipper -- wood chipper. Ha-hah! Wait, am I assuming correctly that said poor circumstances are related to an individual's fault that would more gladly be dealt with using a piece of tree shredding equipment than anything else? Well... I sure hope so 'cuz I like that line. Not gonna rewrite it, is all I'm sayin'."
Guessing her Type - Jul 12th
"Not certain -- given your gym-love -- if you fancy guys who have limbs the same girth of my waist over guys such as myself who, well, use fancy as a verb."
She LMAO'd - Jul 12th
"Glad my humor caused parts of you to fall off. Wait... wait... That could probably be worded better -- especially seeing as there is already a pending inquiry for this very thing. Fear not: I swear it was in self defense, firstly, and that my wit had nothing to do with that man's neck disappearing."
Blood Donation Restrictions - Jun 20th
"It seems like if you go anywhere outside of the country, you can't donate for a whole year. And then a dozen lives are lost. Because you had to go and Mexico. Mexico can too be used as a verb."
On Active Life Styles - Jun 20th
"People aspire to get out... more? I thought the goal in life was to effectively become a vampire, avoiding the open sky at all costs. All tucked away in a cozy, lightless box, warm and snug."
Commentary on a Dumb Decision - Jun 20th
"Seems like a fool's errand to me, and that's a job-type specifically for my jester-butler-monkey! Totally worth the incredibly high price of training and medical bills related to face-biting."
Faking Offense - Jun 20th
"I think I could just weep like a little baby at this affront. Something I ... haven't done recently... or today."
Detailing my Good Traits - Jun 13th
"That's a feather for my cap. Of course, I'm not wearing a cap, sooo... that quill just pierced my skull. Hm, medically, that ain't good."
Response to a Compliment - Jun 12th
"Yep, I'm pretty damn great, if I do say so. In fact, why am I even bothering with this site? I'ma go become king of the moon! After all, I have this rocket; should use it."