Why I'm Still Single '14
As you might have gathered (from simply looking at this site or the seeing the blatant message that I've been at it since 1999), I don't date much. Like, rarely is a far stretch. So, like many other pathetic lonesomes out there, I took to on-line dating. ... "Awful" is a far stretch to how that turned out. With zero potential success at every turn, I've taken the medium less seriously and gradually turned it into "What sorta messed up shit can I say to people?" while still meaning it. It's like I'm hitting on chicks while pretending to be myself? Here, I've compiled just a sample of what I've blabbed to women, pretty much explaining why I'm doomed to bachelorhood.
Reasons from 2014
Upcoming Time Off - Dec 19th
"Of course, it's not really off as most of it will be spent out of the state with family. Yes. Seed the alibi now so none will suspect the murder later. Just like last time."
Greeted as a Stranger - Dec 19th
"I'm fairly certain that I qualify as a strangest. After all, I worked for that title."
Regarding Children - Dec 18th
"You mean to tell me that you aren't training your kid for some sort of years-in-the-making crisis from another world in order to save the human race? I thought that was the point of children, after all. That just seems like a waste of a good larval form.
"That, and as performers of menial household chores. 'I don't wanna shovel the side walk. Hey, junior, what do I pay you five bucks a week for?' And that's probably why I'm not allowed to have children. Not legally stopped, mind you, but I'd wager that some force of fate would interject."
Glossing Over my Day - Dec 18th
"I toiled away at piddle tasks since work is in a low swing right now. Then, you know, something about decapitating space-bears to avert an alien invasion, yadda yadda, no one wants to hear about that."
On Living without Drugs or Drinking - Nov 16th
"Well, if that makes one boring, then I gotta be in some new classification of boring, one that exceeds any known synonyms. There'd have to be a new one made that's not even interesting to say, like blllh. It can't even afford vowels; you just let it roll out of your mouth like a bite of cheese you realized was expired as you bit into it.
"The point to address would be who are these people going about and chomping into whole blocks of cheese? The second would be pointing out what today-folk hold in high esteem makes me shake my head in disgrace. And, a third point I just realized: the fact that I used the term today-folk."
Refuting her Claim of Being Boring - Nov 15th
"But boring folk don't keep journals; they'd have nothing to write about in it. 'January 1st: Today, I sat in a dark room on a hard stool and just stared at the blank walls.' All the following entries are just various ways to say ditto."
After Explaining Something Scientific - Nov 15th
"Glad to help. For once, my science was able to help someone instead of contributing to that doomsday device. I gotta stop going to those weekly club meetings... But, free coffee."
Comparing Thrilling Lifestyles - Nov 1st
"The most interesting thing I've done all week is probably think up what I could say that I did interesting this week. Which, that just shows how desensitized I am to going into work every weekday with the possibility of a robot that costs more than my home ripping part of me from the whole.
"... Huh. I might take Monday off..."
Stating the Obvious - Oct 28th
"Until the point was clarified, I was unaware of your humanity. Here, I thought you were a mannequin that had acquired a human soul -- you know, like in the movies. Horror movies, probably of the 'B' variety."
I was Her Type? - Oct 24th
"Just sayin', as an engineer -- blending science and mathematics into a smoothie (matter created from concepts, apparently?) -- who sorta resembles the Muppet scientist Beaker (I don't talk in sound effects, however. Well, most the time.) and possesses Mr. Fantastic-like lanky limbs, I hit on a lot of the points you laid out."
Perspective on Dating Sites - Oct 23rd
"I'm willing to wager that you've tossed your hands up in the air and left this figurative Rome burning to the fiddling styles of Nero. I don't quite know who is filling his role in this bizarre metaphor. Probably men in general?"
The Things that I Draw - Oct 13th
"Cartoonish pudges, alien creatures, Lovecraftian horrors, spandexed superheroes, anthropomorphic bacon that dances. Sometimes a combination of all 'em. The result is not pretty."
She had some Further Questions - Oct 13th
"Oh dear, questions to the fact. My faulty scheme is beginning to unravel before my very eyes. Er, by which I mean, a calm and collected answer."
Self-Commentary on my Social Life - Oct 12th
"You know it's not working too well when an unspecified amount of time is spent researching Russian brides and you consider it a viable emergency plan B. I kid, of course. The Czech Republic is the go-to nation for foreign brides."
Solving an Imaginary Problem - Oct 8th
"It flares up from time to time. Luckily, I take these special pills to combat it. I don't know what's in them, but they're called pla-ce-bo. So, I'm guessing boron? Maybe some platinum."
My Charitable Acts - Oct 6th
"Why, just last week I underwent a sanguine ritual with the Vampire Brotherhood of the Crimson Rood. Or, as they are known in current times, Red Cross. Their offerings of cookies and juice don't pull the wool over these keen eyes!"
The Purpose of Internet Want-Ads - Oct 6th
"They're only good for humor and as a murderer's Rolodex. Not... not that I know anything about that personally. Ignore, if you would, my collection of human skulls. Completely unrelated. Those are grave robbing trophies, FYI. Far less creepy. ... right?"
A Kindly Introduction - Oct 2nd
"Just sorta tippin' my hat with a 'howdy'. I am too wearing a hat. It's just... invisible. At least I was told it was? Hopefully, I didn't just buy nothing from that merchant for two-hundred bucks, 'cuz that'd make me out to be quite the fool."
Being Left Speechless - Sep 25th
"I'm a tad lost for words on how well written and engaging your self-summary. Words... good. Me like. Thumb up-point. Mmr. Anything I could state now really just seems like a direct-to-video sequel by comparison."
A Soul Too Dark - Sep 7th
"One can't be evil and wicked. That's just redundant. Unless, you meant 'wicked' as in possessing a wick, for what reason I do not dare guess. Maybe you are part candle? That would be ... actually, pretty interesting. I wouldn't mind hanging out with a candle-person hybrid. Bet you have all sorts of stories. And, understandably, a fear of fire."
Regarding Social Dysfunction - Aug 27th
"Social anxiety is still better than -- oh, let's say -- complete social unawareness. Just sayin', probably better to duck and dodge a situation than to be so foot-in-the-mouth that one is biting their own knee. Additionally, that mental image is quite unsettling if time is taken to invoke it, so I apologize if such occurred."
On her Science Affection - Aug 24th
"Being that I am a scientist, you should -- in theory -- not hate me entirely. I like those odds."
Her Aversion to Creeps - Aug 17th
"Out of curiosity, for one to be considered not a creepo, is there a cap to the number of pickled, two-headed animals owned? Not... not that I have any, of course; more into the elusive three-headers."
Enjoying my Brand of Humor - Jul 28th
"It's about time someone appreciates when I don't take my medication. I mean, it was someone's pills, so it's still sorta counts, right? That's what my doctor told me, anyways. Of course, my doctor is a sock puppet with a stethoscope."
Speaking of Lasagna - Jul 24th
"Dammit! Now I really want lasagna, too, and it's a really goofy looking word to spell out, so I don't like typing it. Man, I really want some layered noodle casserole."
Regarding Equitarinism - Jul 22nd
"I gotta say, horsing seems like a worse and worse activity every time you talk about it. Frankly, I'm surprised you've kept it up as long as you've had. Horse barbecue: all I'm sayin', wouldn't be bad."
My Outlook on Texting Practices - Jul 15th
"Frankly, if I even got a 'hey' text message, I'd block that number. Not worth the loss of brain cells by association."
The Breadth of my Knowledge - Jul 15th
"I've been well versed on both the sea and tree monkeys. Outside of those two, not much else. There's not much else in the world, tho', is there? Math? History? Those sound like the words of a crazy person!"
How to be Like the Rest of the Internet - Jul 13th
"Probably easily could if I stopped using punctuation and grammar, however. And yes, just grammar plain, not even good or bad. Just none of it."
Discerning Faults in her Cake - Jul 10th
"Everything. You did everything wrong. Used tea spoons in place of table spoons, self rising flour in place of cake flour, salt in place of sugar, and a small dog in place of a baking pan. Everything wrong."
On the Delectability of Sushi - Jul 5th
"Which is a bit surprising, too, considering what it's made from. Additionally, the same raw equals tasty principle does not seem to carry over to much other food, as I unfortunately found out with my chicken-sushi experiment."
She Needed to Stop Thinking About Something - Jun 28th
"Of course you can! Any mental abilities can be shut off with the simple taking of one little pill. That pill happens to be made of lead and is found in a bottle that looks like a pistol's chamber. Just be careful not to, you know, kill yourself when taking it."
Toying with Someone Who was Under the Legal Drinking Age - Jun 18th
"No, I meant to drink plain. You mean to tell me that you can already ingest liquids? Damn! I thought that was a rite you had to earn when turning twenty-one. Figures why I had so many dehydration related complications in my youth."
Comforting a Fear of Thunder - Jun 17th
"Save you from the storm? It's lightning, you crazy-crazy. I'm not made of rubber; I can't absorb it or use it to super-power my heart to gain The Flash-like powers. Believe me, I tried. Apparently, it just kills you."
Regarding One's Lost Dignity - Jun 17th
"Eeewww, your dignity is all pointy and slimy. Where have you been keeping it? In my couch cushions, those dirty danger zones? I ask 'cuz that's where I found it. What do you mean it's an abstract concept with no physical form? Then what is this thing, and why is it biting me and laying eggs in my head? Oh dear, not this again."
Conquering One's Demons - Jun 17th
"Admitting it is the first step to conquering the problem. The second step? Oh, jeez, I didn't think that far ahead. Uh... giving me a dollar? Sure, why not."
Playing the Pervert - Jun 14th
"I'm only a dirty man 'cuz I don't bath ever. Soap and water, what's the point? To smell better? Gross!"
She Wanted to Talk - Jun 14th
"Talking? But -- I just spent all that money on mime lessons; that'd be busting the golden rule! Are you sure we can't just really, really emote?"
"... Are you getting it? I'm miming hard, I am. Of course, I ain't too good at it. I'm either fishing or making a pizza. You know what? I probably wasted my money."
The Panacea to All Problems - Jun 12th
"Know what else does the trick? Murder."
Some Doesn't Like Fast Food Fried Chicken - Jun 9th
"I don't know what to say. That stuff is just so good. Greasy and horrid for you, granted, but soooo damn good. I ... I really don't know if I can not feel anything but contempt for you now. I mean, you've had their extra crispy recipe, right? And their biscuits? And the gravy? And the high sodium everything? Man, I'm wanting it to spike my blood pressure right now!"
The Perfect World - Jun 9th
"Why is it that the dumbasses who don't deserve to live can't be the ones killed by the dumbasses who don't know how to drive? Wouldn't that just make the world a perfect place? The awful being killed by the stupid? I'd love it. Sooo much."
On Tolerating The Wee Ones - Jun 9th
"You only hate most children? What's your secret? I'd assume profuse drinking."
Discussing Modern Fashion Trends - Jun 6th
"I think the belt on sagged pants is like wearing glasses sans lens: to advertise the fact that you are an utter piece-of-shit asshole with no redeemable qualities. Oh, sorry, I meant for fashion; that's what those utter piece-of-shit assholes chalk the reason up to, right?"
Regarding Children's Backpacks - Jun 5th
"Of course I mean small children's backs; what else would you carry around? Obviously, the remains of adults have to be properly disposed of to eliminate the trail leading back to you as the murderer. Children, however, aren't cared for. I mean, who's gonna ask who killed some snot nosed brat?"
Regarding my Occupation's Benefits - Jun 4th
"You think I ever go to the lab and not make an explosion? Why would I have spent all the time piddling away with science if not for explosions? Get with it."
After Being Called a "Sinner" for Some Disagreement - May 31st
"Who told you about my sins? Was it my priest? Those were supposed to be between him, me, God, and those people I killed. And they sure ain't talkin'. I made sure of that! Cut out the tongue, you see."
Regarding Animal Cruelty - May 26th
"Ugh, people make me sick. That's why I'm pro-killing people."
A Glimpse into Where my Conversations Lead - May 16th
"What? So now I'm a breed of evergreen, too? What does that make me: robot, cheese monster, maybe some type of reptile alien, and now a pine tree. Great, just great. How can I be such a chimera? What mad scientist spliced all these things togeth- Oh, right, I did it to myself."
Responding to her Poor Luck with Computers - May 16th
"Sounds like you made the mistake I did when I first learned that computers had cookies in them. Sooo many microchips nibbled..."
Upon Learning Too Much New Things - May 13th
"Now I know more about horses than I ever wanted to. And it probably pushed out some other knowledge from my head, but I'm certain that's not of any significance. ... I forgot how to breathe... Not again."
Claiming to Remove Days from All Time - May 13th
"I just removed Arbor Day from existence -- past and future -- making the temporal ripple effect of its removal affecting all aspects of humanity's day-to-day. ... Oh, right. It's Arbor Day... I don't think it had any significance to begin with. Well, that was a bogus trial run. Better try another day -- my birthday. ... Still nothing? Awww, confidence down..."
Having Fun with Packing for a Trip - May 13th
"Last-minute is the only way to pack; that way it's like an adventure when you forget to bring things like a change of pants. Never a better time to try out kilts!"
Pertaining to my Imaginary Book - May 13th
"All of the illustrations are crude stick figures, and I don't mean poorly drawn~!"
Regarding Regrettable Deeds - May 12th
"You felt bad about making a five-year-old cry? That's my bread and butter, baby~!"
On Needing a Dating for Dummies Book - May 12th
"I wouldn't bother; I wrote that book as it seemed like some easy money, and know nooothing on the matter. Also, the term 'book' is a little bit of a misnomer as it's really just a single page of written text sandwiched between two covers. Not even front-and-back at that. Still, sells for $10. Well, would sell, assuming anyone ever bought it..."
Regarding Old School Rasslin' - May 12th
"It'll always be the WWF no matter how many years go by with the E. I also imagine their mascot is the World Wildlife Fund's panda, tho', just for kicks."
Turning Around on Self Deprecation - May 12th
"That's the spirit. After all, why be hard on yourself when there's billions of other people to bash? Like, that person -- whoever is to your left! Just keep going until you hit someone, even if in another building/township. Yeah, what's their problem? Such an uggo."
My Primitive Computer Education - May 11th
"These were old school computers that didn't even have a mouse. But, that's probably why I have a better understanding of computers than most people. When you start from the most basic principles, you understand the higher functions more fully. And that's why I now have a robot love slav- er, yes. A robot love Slav... an automaton that's really keen on Slavonic culture."
Regarding Changes Over Time - Apr 27th
"Lousy generation wuss ruining all the good stuff. I don't know if that set counts in the Gen Y/Millennial batch, but I'd wager that they backtrack from X to W -- to wuss, the bunch of wusses. Boo. General disapproval."
On Overweight, Hairy Slobs trying to Get Perfect 10s - Apr 26th
"Hey now, the mythical mammoth-human hybrid -- also known as a the mannoth -- needs love to. Or, to be terminated before spreading its unnatural taint of its godless pseudo-science fusion technique into the ecosystem."
Regarding my Frame - Apr 26th
"People usually think that I am anorexic because of my build. That, or terminally ill. I guess I've put on some weight in past few years, however, so now I'm just underweight and not has some sort of problem in frame."
Regarding Aimless Rambling - Apr 26th
"Rambling is the best way to learn about someone. That's usually how people find out about my webbed toes. They aren't my toes, as in attached to my body, but that pickle jar is really a conversation starter~!"
On Sounding Like a "Pet Parent" - Apr 26th
"Don't fret; you aren't one of those until you have a birthday party for your cat -- complete with party hats and cake. For the extra mile, you can make the cake a cat food cake and eat it with the feline~!"
Claiming Not to be My Type - Apr 26th
"Well, okay then. I shall tip my hat and bid good day to you, then, madam. But, seeing as I do not have a hat on currently, at least of tipping quality, I'll have to retract that retraction. Does... does that make some sort of paradox?"
Regarding her "Con" - Apr 7th
"Funny that you consider a peanut allergy a con, at least at the level where it seems one would say something akin to By the way, I'm a conjoined twin with a fraternal twin brother. Huh. Now that image is gonna be stuck in my head."
Three Words to Describe Herself - Apr 7th
"Those may be the words you use to describe yourself, but what three words would others, per se, use to describe an otter? It's relevant, somehow, why not?"
Regarding One's Values - May 29th
"I like values. I prefer, I dunno, cookies to them, but only because they taste better. Value has a metallic after-taste to it, like licking a penny. Then again, maybe that's just the case with monetary value..."
Responding to a Declaration of Old School - Mar 29th
"I'm curious; when you say old school, do you mean 2 Legit 2 Quit and parachute pants or a traditionalist who throws rocks at hipsters on sight? 'Tho, I think we all should do that. Thirdly, you could attend a century old educational facility. Obviously, I don't expect that to be answered. Clearly, the twist of your cap suggests it's Hammer Time~!"
Selling what I Lack - Mar 29th
"No kids, no crazy exes or -- really -- any surprises or skeletons in my closet. Well, less that one actual skeleton. Never know when you could need a spare, am I right?"
Regarding Good Timing - Mar 23rd
"There's -- I dunno -- something to say 'bout striking while the iron is hot, at least that's what I learned apprenticing in a smithy."
Setting Up a Date - Mar 14th
"So, how about we get together -- oh -- fifteen minutes ago? No access to a time machine, you
say? Fine, some other 'possible' time can be arranged."
Deciding if It'd Laughable or Disastrous - Mar 13th
"I think it's safe to wager that it'd not be fatal. P-probably... One trip to the knife juggling expo later, and boy is my face red. For more than one reason~!
"Aah, I kill me. And, judging from that fictitious scenario, at least one other person."
Manners of Communication - Mar 13th
"I'm Italian, and it's in our blood to wave our arms around like psychopaths even during a calm conversation. It's true. Geneticists were easily able to identify the particular gene as, when they were looking through a microscope, it was giving them the under-the-chin gesture."
On Whether She was Joking - Mar 12th
"I'd wager that you are, in fact, kidding, but in the sense that you are birthing a goat."
Regarding my Masculinity - Feb 22nd
"Yep, no illusions of machismo here. What, between the crochet and having just baked chocolate chip bars earlier, I'm pretty certain the macho ship sailed and torched the dock when it left harbor. Great, now my persona can't import/export."
Pace to Move Things - Feb 2nd
"I take things stepwise, however. Start with 'hey, you don't make me want to fork my brain' as the first item. Note: if I only make someone spork their brain, I still consider it a victory."
On when I Shaved my Head - Feb 2nd
"Not a good look for me; honestly, people would ask if I was terminally ill. Thank goodness butter put some meat on my bony bones. Now, folks only think I'm anorexic~! Improvement?"
How People React to Me - Feb 2nd
"They cower before me! Wait, no, they cow before me, sorry. I don't know why, but they moo at me. I just have that effect on people, I guess."
Explaining my Hobbies - Feb 1st
"and to no surprise role playing. N-not
the fetish kind, the one with dice rolling. Wait, which one would you
consider worse? Not that one."
The Fineries of Madness - Jan 31st
"Rambling is an under-appreciated art form. I mean, really, if a can of soup can be art, then why can't a long jumble of words semi-strung together that could be put into a can that someone could paint to make double art? Yeah, I'm totally gonna sketch the painting of that rant filled can, too, to make some sort of triple before wadding it up and stuffing that into a can to create some sort of paradox that will collapse the very fabric of the universe. Like I said, art form."
Regarding Zucchini Bread - Jan 31st
"Nothing beats good ol' veggies. Except for dumping a ton of sugar on said veggies and mixing that with some type of fat product. Yep, good ol' veggies."
After Professing Interest in my Photos - Jan 24th
"What, those old things? Er, not that they are decades old for any reason. I'm not a warlock or anything. Why, this pentagram is here just because I like... outer space."
On Male Behavior - Jan 13th
"Oh, women don't like it when you say stupid stuff to them. Well, I think this is knowledge that would greatly benefit the less fair gender. Boy, how I wish that could be sarcasm; sadly sincere. Single tear."
On Similar Personalities - Jan 12th
"The type of person you are seems in the same vein that I person. That can be a verb, why not?"
My Ability to Get Off Track - Jan 10th
"I'm normally a master tangentist, springing off of a subject like a diver springs off a springboard during spring while wearing spring boots. If they're a power-up in video games, then they must have a real-world counterpart, right?"
Regarding Energy Solutions - Jan 10th
"Morally, I'm damned opposed to this whole bio-energy thing. Do you know they first ferment the plants into alcohol and then turn the alcohol into fuel? Talk about taking things one step too far."
Last Modified - December 20th, 2014 | Established - January 11th, 2014