Why I'm Still Single
Actual things I have said to real women over the course of on-line dating and communications from the years 2010 and 2011.
Reasons from 2011
Regarding a Missing Cliché Mention - Nov 28th
"I don't even mention the word fun. I probably sit in the dark and stare blankly at what I assume is an empty wall for hours on end just to avoid such shenanigans."
Regarding Winter Weather - Mar 21st
"I haven't had my fill of snow until my 'for snow cones' bucket gets up to its line."
Regarding my Relationship with my Family - Mar 13th
"Nope, they aren't likes-likes. They are people and have never eaten a shield. Wait, that wasn't your question. But, I'll keep my bewildering reference in tact."
It Speaks for Itself - Mar 13th
"Speaking of murder and random (talk about segue), use of the latter word makes me want to commit the prior~!"
Regarding Monotonous Workdays - Mar 11th
"Science isn't that different from every other job. Unless you're job is dinosaur wrestler, it will get dull eventually."
Regarding Hazards in the Laboratory - Mar 11th
"You'd think the added possibility of death or injury (especially with naive undergrads being recruited for grunt work) would spice up the work day."
Regarding my Zany Tangents - Mar 1st
"(Honestly, I say stuff like this all the time, and these little side statements in parenthesis [and sometimes side-side statements in further brackets {luckily, there's only so many shapes before I run out}])"
Regarding Seeing Things as Black and White - Mar 1st
"What? The world isn't just black and white? Next your gonna tell me that there are shades of grays rather than a series of tightly packed dots or lines. I... I don't know if I want to live in a world that doesn't look like it was printed in a newspaper's weekday funny pages... Art humor! It works every time. I don't know what it works, exactly, but I'm certain it does it. It has to, I'd assume."
Reasons from 2010
After Giving a Brief Autobiography - Aug 13th
"It seems like I'm missing significance. Not from being mentioned; just from my life. Aw, I'm sad now. Time to fish out a short length of rope."
On the Downfall of Communication Skills - Aug 13th
"It's not even fully technology's fault for the shift in focus to 'hey no comma letter-u hawt'."
Regarding Facebook Apps - Aug 13th
"I wanted to try and program some type of game thing for it to try and steal some milk from that fat cow for my website. Turns out, the cow only gives manure -- lots of it."
On Ways Men Introduce Themselves - Aug 13th
"If I had to come up with an ice breaker, I'd go with ... realizing 'Out of my league' and walking on by."
Regarding Men - Aug 13th
"Guys are terrible. I would apologize on their behalf, but I do not consider myself in the same category in order to speak for them."
Regarding Facebook - Aug 13th
"I actually have people telling me to get one all the time. I just jab them with a stiff finger and ask, How is that fun?"
Regarding the Mail - May 28th
"Any tiny effigies full of nails that you receive in the mail are sure to be a creepy coincidence. Plenty of folks could be trying to voodoo your mojo. Anyone but me. I don't even know what voodoo is."
Regarding Opinion of Me - May 28th
"Guess this can revise your 'not an asshole' statement to comparatively making everyone else seem like less of one. Tomato/tomato-pronounced-differently."
Regarding Facts About Me - Mar 28th
"Why, there's still a bloody vault of oddities that I'm keepin' from ya. One of which may or may not be a vault filled with bizarre object I've accumulated over the years..."
Regarding Me Being Normal - Mar 20th
"I think it's pretty clear that the regular ship has sailed off and been hit by a storm and pirates simultaneously."
Regarding my Father - Mar 13th
"Pa is a completely driven, dedicated, goal oriented, work-aholic, which is his double-edged sword. He has a custom smithed blade named Workaholic. Odd, I know."
Regarding Where to Go - Mar 9th
"Not like I know anywhere better, or anywhere at all. Or things that aren't borderline fabricated from collections of drunken hallucinations."
On my Relationship with Others - Mar 9th
"I should warn you that I tend to grow on people. I'm like a fungus in that way. Well, I also like dark spaces with plentiful dead, organic material. 'So, who exactly says you grow on them?' '... no one...' 'So you just said it for the fungus comment?' '... yeah...'"
Regarding a Preferred Staple - Mar 9th
"It's my bread an' butter. Well, I guess some form of bread and butter would actually fill that role, likely rye and peanut."
Regarding the Truth of a Matter - Mar 9th
"That was completely legitimate spoutings and, in no way, was it utter bullcrap pulled from my ass... which is that of a bull, apparently."
Regarding a Poor Nickname - Mar 9th
"Hep makes it eerily reminiscent of a certain venereal disease, I'm afraid. Not exactly a good thing to throw around, the word or the virus, as I learned with my disastrously marketed Catch the Hep ball and mitt set."
Regarding Gauge of Interest - Mar 7th
"I'm more baffled to what, if anything, you see in me. And, upon bringing that fact into the light, he never heard from her again. The End. ... What a horrible story~!"
Regarding my Direction - Mar 7th
"Doesn't mean I have no idea where I'm heading and am swinging blindly or anything. Er, ignore the fact that I just punched this guy next to me. It was entirely intentional, really. Was tryin' ta steal me wallet, he was!"
Regarding my Behavior - Mar 7th
"I am trying to get all the zane outta the picture since someone wanted to get all 'serious' later on. Can't say that it'll all be out. Prolly be running around pretending that my fingers are guns in a few minutes. Yes, I reverted to the age of five yesterday."
On a Self Degrading Remark - Mar 7th
"Opportunity was just knocking, and the knock was against myself, so I had no choice but to take it. Really, none at all. I made this fey pact some years ago and am helpless to resist. One of these days, I'll find that pesky pixie's hat, and then it shall be me with the magical powers~! That, or I shouldn't believe anything I (think I) hear the week after I eat that alleged cheese I found in those couch cushions, especially since it wasn't even my couch! Alley couch cheese is the bestest~!"
Regarding a Pie - Mar 5th
"Sounds like somebody made a crossroad pact for that recipe 'cuz I don't think food's supposed to be that good."
Regarding "It" - Mar 5th
"I guess it doesn't hurt that I have the libido of a Vulcan manatee... that was traumatized by walking in on its parents at a young age... and whose papa had died a week before! Aaand, now you shouldn't be able to enjoy cheesecake tonight, either, with that imagery in the back of your mind. I mean, a walking sea cow? Who's heard of such a thing~!"
On the Standard Dating Sequence - Mar 5th
"Wait, that's what the 'third date' thing is? No wonder I could never get one~! Now I just have to figure out why I couldn't land a second either..."
Regarding my Inclined Company - Mar 5th
"I prefer the company of the fairer sex opposed to that of the ... crappier one?"
Regarding my Schedule - Mar 5th
"I don't even know what I'm doing next week, let alone tomorrow, or even yesterday. Hm, maybe I have a memory lacking rather than a Promethean problem..."
Regarding an Often Concealed Lower Back Tattoo - Feb 27th
"Now I'm gonna be looking at your ass for all the wrong reasons~!"
Regarding an Acquired Skill - Feb 27th
"It's something I learned when roving the French countryside for wine thieving bears. They only go for pic-a-nic baskets in Yellowstone."
Regarding my Standards - Feb 27th
"I don't just snare whatever walks into the ... snare trapping device rope loop?"
Regarding my Singledom - Feb 25th
"I mean, didn't think there was any big mystery to the fact. The whole shunning people thing should be a good first indicator. The massive dickishness and rubbing people the wrong way fills in the other holes. And the award for Worst Combination of Words Possible goes to ... me~!"
Regarding Her Tattoos - Feb 24th
"Saying I'd have to be lucky enough to see the tats just opens up the flood gates for perverted remarks. So much is the case that I don't even think it's necessary to make any of them."
Regarding Date Preferences - Feb 24th
"Low key and low stress? And here I thought we'd have a fight to the death. But, you're right. I don't exactly know things would go from there. Well, aside from the grave and on the lam."
Regarding Past Dating Patterns - Feb 24th
"Jumping ship after a few bland dates, huh? Sounds like I'll never get to sample your cheese cake. How sad is it that I actually meant the dessert in a completely non-metaphorical fashion? Can't imagine many folks take that road."
Regarding my Worthfulness - Feb 24th
"So, I'm nothing more than an accompanist in murder and pumpkin roll source to you? ... This is the most valuable I've ever felt~!"
Regarding a Proposed How-To - Feb 24th
"An internet dating guide sounds like it'd read much the same as a Don't Be a Dummy for Dummies book. Advice #1) If something is stupid, don't do it. Aw, jeez. This is hard..."
On the Intents of Older Women - Feb 24th
"My mind instantly drew up the notion that you were an older woman looking for some, uh, younger meat. Then I remembered that I had provided pictures, so that poorly formed theory went right out the window. Plus, as you know my weight/height combo, not much meat on these bones. Wouldn't do well in a stew, even. That's what older women in that scenario do, right? Cannibalize young men to gain their strength? Maybe I'm thinking of Slavic hags again. I often seem to confuse them with things they aren't, and hence was unable to use my toaster for some months."
On the Base Intents of Men - Feb 24th
"We're swine. I mean, not me, of course. My interests are purely in your bank account -- I mean, your kidneys -- I mean, sacrificial soul essence as an offering to my dark master so that I can get out of a parking ticket -- I mean, ... they're good intentions."
On Not Wanting to be Stalked - Feb 24th
"I think plans of that were crushed the moment you announced on the internet that you were female. Bound to be one creepy weirdo out there with time on his hands who will draw your number. I assume creepy weirdos pull numbers and get assigned to people. We have our stuff together -- they. I meant they have their stuff together."
Regarding Someone Stalking Me - Feb 24th
"Wouldn't that be a delightful twist~! Er, I mean, inconspicuous comment."
On the Direction of my Communications - Feb 24th
"Who knows where/what I'm doing now. For a more fun answer, believe it has something to do with bare knuckle boxing bears. That sounds like it could be used as a euphemism for something horrible."
On Ways my Twin Stays Distinct - Feb 23rd
"He had his hair grown while I shaved mine bald, until recently. I don't own a pair of jeans while that's all he wears. He only kills people with knives while I prefer rusty pipes. You know, the little things~!"
Regarding the Shit I Say - Feb 23rd
"This crap is actually making you laugh? Well, I guess that's the more favorable of the two options. I think the other is 'go crazy and stab people'. Also a plus when that's not the road taken for any part of life. Except in stabbing competitions for obvious reasons. Not obvious: who's holding this contest?"
On my Movie Seeing Habits - Feb 23rd
"Hey, one of the two good movies scheduled to come out this year did. You know what that means!"
"Yep, wait for the first showing the next Saturday after it debuted to get an empty, asshole free theater to watch it in."
"Why are there so many quoted segments? You're talking to yourself, you nut case."
"I'll show you who's a nut case!"
"After about twenty minutes of that, I realized I couldn't win.
On the Impression I Made - Feb 22nd
"Wait, you plan on me somehow completely shattering your image of me? I gotta say, if that hasn't happened already, I don't think it's gonna break. Just, like, sorta bend and maybe melt. It's not microwave safe."
Regarding Stalking - Feb 22nd
"Stalking just seems like it's way too involved. That's right, I'm trying to calm your fears by telling you I'd probably just watch repeats of The Simpsons than follow your daily activities from behind a bush. I mean, I'm sure you're worth stalking, but they're, like, showing season six right now, and that was a real good one."
Regarding the Failures of Men - Feb 22nd
"Yeah, guys can be pretty... pathetic and fixate on single things of interest. Looking back, I should not have put that ellipsis after 'pretty'."
On a Misunderstood Reference to my Twin - Feb 22nd
"Nope, not a strange reference or hint at a created doppelganger. Not yet, anyways. Soon, my bio-construct, soon!"
Regarding Internet Security - Feb 22nd
"My website is quite secure with it's amazing password of, not just 'password', but one particularly unguessable number following it. Heh heh heh. What!? How did you know it was one!?"
Regarding my Work Day - Feb 22nd
"Lousy work actually having me busy most of the day. I mean, I'm not supposed to be working! The lackey-undergrads beneath are supposed to mind my toiling. What are we barely paying those slackers for, anyways? To not show up and make me lift a finger? Outrageous!"
Regarding my Relationship with Drugs - Feb 22nd
"Despite my hair, my tendency to bake sweets, and my scruffy clothing, ... actually, I'd be pretty suspicious of myself, too. I seem like the type of person who'd put brownies in weed. Yes, in that order."
Regarding Choosing my Words - Feb 22nd
"Damn, I just know I'm gonna say something stupid to screw up. I killed a guy! Why did I say that? It's not even true. It was a girl I met through an on-line dating service. Yeah, things like that are what I should be avoiding, and apparently didn't."
Regarding an Imagined Scenario - Feb 22nd
"That'd just be unbelievable. Well, I guess that's plausible. If you said you dispensed unlimited ice cream it'd be unbelievable. And... kinda disgusting."
On my Heedless Behavior - Feb 22nd
"I was sorta doin' Godzilla levels of wanton destruction before. Kinda expected you'd just say, 'Nuts to Tokyo' and move."
Regarding Conversation Tactics - Feb 21st
"I pretty much try to deflect as much conversation off of me to some orbiting, humorous satellite. Yes, I have a strong gravitation pull. I forgot to mention that before."
Regarding Talking About Myself - Feb 21st
"I'm simply don't like talking about myself. I'd rather jest about something gruesome like sticking an undergrad in a wood chipper for crossing me, and that is a tamer example, sadly, than talk about my day surrounded by large robots, hazardous chemicals, and ... corn. At least it beats my days of cleaning rat skulls. That's off and out, by the way."
Regarding the Appeal of Others - Feb 21st
"Most are just sooo boring. It's like when you see those terrible on-lot actors in low-budget used-car lot commercials. Drab... slow... dull. Bah! I can't stand it. Defibrillate those corpses, you know? By contrast, I'm more like a cartoon on crack. One of which I may be."
Regarding Someone's Degree - Feb 21st
"Wait, your degree is in psychology? ... Oh dear. Your head must have either exploded or imploded by now. I can't imagine what types of subconscious leaks in my madness bears on it. Are you sure this all isn't some ruse to front some type of research paper? Mad Men Among Us - The Psychopath You Didn't Know Next Door by _____ ________. Actually, if I got a cut of any profits, I wouldn't be wholly against the idea. What do you mean research papers don't earn any money? No, you're the one holding an imaginary conversation to some understood third person."
Regarding my Name Across the Web - Feb 21st
"Unless I've managed to build such a library of identity on false foundation. Which, really, I would question me myself, and do. I have a lot of free time, apparently (How else would all that junk accumulate across the web?) and internet know-how. Why, I bet he's a well-trained, juiced-up, or combination-of-the-two monkey with computer access in some lab serving as some kinda social experiment."
Regarding Truthfulness - Feb 21st
"I think words like 'liar' and 'fake' have been thrown out by ya, so you can probably tell that I put up no fa-squiggly-bottom-C-ade."
Regarding my Gender - Feb 21st
"Of course, I'm a guy (Yes, the rumors are true) and never really felt any stalker threat. Or maybe I welcome it? Move over, chess. This here is a real strategy game, one that puts life in the balance."
On my Absurd Writing Tendencies - Feb 21st
"Will I end all these paragraphs with outrageous second options? They will so long as my bottle of 'inspiration' is full. Oh, wait, that's paint thinner. Well, that sure explains why the lead paint wasn't leaving the usual after taste."
On my Haphazard Approach - Feb 21st
"Pretty much walked up to a stream and dropped in an unbaited hook. The fact that there was any bite defies logic. Or implies a metallophage fish... which equally defies logic but sounds pretty cool."
On Cutting the Conversation Short - Feb 20th
"I'm not gonna waste any more breath/key presses with mindless banter (which I happen to have in excess due to a botched shipping order)."
Regarding my Honesty - Feb 20th
"So... that whole 'honest' and 'not full of it' route actually panned out? ... I... I gotta confess that I put zero confidence in that method."
Last Modified - November 30th, 2012 | Established - October 6th, 2012
