Why I'm Still Single
As you might have gathered (from simply looking at this site or the seeing the blatant message that I've been at it since 1999), I don't date much. Like, rarely is a far stretch. So, like many other pathetic lonesomes out there, I took to on-line dating. ... "Awful" is a far stretch to how that turned out. With zero potential success at every turn, I've taken the medium less seriously and gradually turned it into "What sorta messed up shit can I say to people?" while still meaning it. It's like I'm hitting on chicks while pretending to be myself? Here, I've compiled just a sample of what I've blabbed to women, pretty much explaining why I'm doomed to bachelorhood.
Reasons from 2012
On Not Dating a Mother - Oct 20th
"I'm just not a kid person. It's not the kid's fault, now, but you're a good mother and give her your utmost attention, which I'm greedy and want instead. So, I'm a bad influence on top of that."
Wording a Compliment - Sep 9th
"You seem like such an awesome dame. I luckily refrained from the choice of great dame, which just doesn't sound flattering at all."
Regarding my Attentiveness - Jul 10th
"I'm all ears. Well, mostly noses and liver, but that's another story."
Regarding Shoestring Fries - Jul 3rd
"They make shoe-strings outta potatoes now? Wow, that'd probably make them taste a lot better. I should stop chewing on this one. Should."
Regarding an Odd Event - Jul 3rd
"It wasn't exciting, more of frightening. I'm scared and need a hug. Luckily, I still keep this large teddy bear handy for just such an occassion. Also luckily, this is an internal monologue that none other shall be privy to. ... Wait..."
On the Fleeting Nature of Nights - Jun 29th
"Nights do that, for they are greased eels with no limbs to grip upon. That there is some poetic junk."
Regarding a Callback - Jun 27th
"Hey, I remembered a zany non-sequitur. Guess they stay fresh until the next morning. Unlike that milk I left out. For a week. Which is now moving. I've named it Fluffy."
Regarding a Nonsequitur - Jun 27th
"Tangents are always fun, until somebody gets hurt. They have sharp edges, probably 'cuz I've been whetting them for that purpose. Even I don't know where I was going with that one."
Regarding a Disappearance - Jun 27th
"That, or I figured you were a ghost. Just my luck! You can take that phrase either in exasperation or excitement."
Regarding Man Kind - Jun 26th
"Humanity is overrated. My chips are on the robot overlords who should be making a rise sometime in 2022. All hail, 00011100101011001101010."
Regarding Twinkies - Jun 26th
"How can you not love snack cakes? They're cake, in snack form. If they had gold nuggets inside them, they'd complete all base desires. And be a choking hazard, too, I'd assume."
Regarding a Choice Retelling - Jun 25th
"But, then I wouldn't be able to crack wise about moonshining hillbilly incest, which is the only way I think it can occur so that I don't lose all faith in humanity.
How could a species that invented marvels as the Twinkie and the deep fried Twinkie do something so utterly terrible? Oh, right. Probably stroke-related brain damage from frying a frosting filled cake."
On a Family Reunion in Kentucky - Jun 25th
"Sure, it may sound nice, but that's the kinda state where the attendees 'are looking'. Whiiich is why I'm glad I don't live in the south. 'Yes, I have met cousin [Hannah], grammy, and she's still my cousin. Cousin. I don't care how far removed she is.'"
Regarding Behavior - Jun 20th
"Manners are overrated. Manors are where the money's at. Mostly 'cuz they cost so much."
Regarding Looks - Jun 14th
"You, well, look like you could just snap your fingers and have any guy in an earshot line up for your bidding. Which, that would be a real useful trick for robbing a bank... I might need to borrow this enchanted hand of yours. It's okay; I'm a scientist. Everything we do is legit. 'Cuz it's for science."
On my Vocabulary - Jun 14th
"I've used the phrase cool beans and malarkey. I think I've just blown my cover as an eighty year old man."
Regarding my Baking - Jun 13th
"Knowing me means eating more. And gaining weight. Not that I do. I work my voodoo to transfer my fat into those who consume my baking -- while sapping a few years of their life to boot~! Er... scratch that. You heard nothing. Cookie?"
Regarding House Tidying - Jun 13th
"Kitchens need cleaning? So that explains the odor..."
Regarding One's Rambling - Jun 9th
"You're rambling is not a clown, so I am not afraid of it. Unless it was a clown in disguise."
Regarding Familiarity - Jun 7th
"I was thinking, Haven't I see this person before? Did they steal my peaches? Well, someone did, and now I don't have enough to merit canning! Now I'm going to have to go to the store and buy some, but the market doesn't open for some hours, so I'll have to just sit there in my car and wait. Better bring a book. Wow, was that a tangent."
Regarding Definitions - Jun 5th
"Wait, so a douche is no longer a hygienic device? It's just a derogatory slur? That's so douchy."
Regarding Changes at Google - Jun 5th
"That's why it was the best search engine back when: simple layout. Now, it's all, Where did I leave my keys, Google? and it says that it's not that kind of search engine. You've changed, Google. You've changed."
Regarding my Father - Jun 5th
"Hey, I'd never smack-talk Pops. Wait, is this Corn Pops, Pop Rocks, or the boring kind of pops?"
On my Ways of Conversation - Jun 4th
"Conversations with interspliced comedic sidetracks happen to be my specialty, especially if insane non-sequitur tickle your funny bone, or light it on fire. The point is some action will be performed upon your ulna."
Regarding Professed Interests - Jun 2nd
"There's something amusing about seeing both drinking and driving listed in your box o' interests."
Regarding Personal Information - Jun 1st
"I know a lot about you that may shock and even awe you, if that spy I hired was worth the dough, at least. You... do have a leg made of salami, right? 'Cuz I feel he's eyeing the wrong person at times. He may just be watching a butcher's shop."
While I had a Few in Me - Jun 1st
"I'm right about everything. And that's why you should have believed me when I said that there were dinosaurs alive in this day and age in the suburbs of Manhattan disguised as real people with clever hats and ties. No, this is not the mead talking. This is alllll Gobbo."
Regarding my Humor - May 31st
"Well, if intelligent and funny are for you, then wait 'til you get a load of this uncanny wit~! ... Oh, did... did you want an example now?"
Regarding Professionalism - May 30th
"I like to maintain an illusion of professionalism when at work.
With this hair. And a Japanese TV station mascot on my shirt. And a flannel in this heat. And cartoons I drew as my wallpaper and that of several others in the lab. Professional~!"
Regarding my Composition - May 28th
"Interesting side note about my anatomical structure: I don't possess an abdomen. It goes straight from torso to legs. There's just this fleshy organ cavity mashed 'twixt the two. Wait, isn't that what an abdomen is? Hm. Disregard."
On Initiating Conversation with Me - May 28th
"Taking up the challenge of the sphinx, are ye? Oh, wait, did I mention anything about having a lion's body? Scratch that. I'm totally human and am not posing my head before a cardboard cutout of a man's form. I'm not. Really, if I were to go through that trouble, one would think I'd chose a better looking body than this duffel of doorknobs."
Regarding the Dance Floor - May 28th
"I dance like a broom. Just watch one for five minutes, and that's about how skilled I am. Well, maybe five seconds will get the point across."
Regarding the Validity of a Word - May 27th
"I can't be challenged on whether or not that's a real word. Life isn't Scrabble; those are two totally different boardgames~!"
Regarding a Fondness for Quirk - May 27th
"Wait, there isn't some sort of quirky upper-limit cap that you'd prefer was undershot, is there? Also, would a nerdy quirk be in the running? I don't really know what that would be. Well, I think I validated the first two parts of this, and possible proved the existence to the third..."
Regarding an Admission - May 25th
"I do not think there is anything as appealing as hearing 'I'm a dork!' Or, well, seeing in this case. Reading is probably the better word? Using definitions as intended is overrated, am I right?"
Regarding my Baking - May 25th
"I did have some folks in my building say that they live for my baking. I guess that's the added power of real butter. And voodoo."
Regarding Job Interviews - May 17th
"Oh, you plan to wow them in the face to face? That's backwards from how I'm used to things -- lock it up before they see how bat-shit you are and can't turn back. Nya-hah. Suckers."
Regarding One's Adolescence - May 17th
"So you had one of those youths. I misspent mine, too. My drug was graphite. Well, and heroine. But is that really a drug? Yes? Oh..."
Regarding Sibling Closeness - May 17th
"I knew it, you're conjoined to your sister, which is mighty odd since I believe she's several years your senior. Don't know how that quite came about... or do I? I often did late-night stitching of bodies together back in my 'mad scientist' days. Also know as yesterday.
Regarding a Troubling Matter - May 17th
"Oh, that's not really a concern to be concerned about ... concernedly."
On What Name to Call Me - May 15th
"And, technically, more people know me as Gobbo than anything else combined. If they were, however, I'm sure some type of giant Voltron-esque power robot would be created. That'd be nice."
Regarding High School Memories - May 15th
"Thank goodness I've acid-sponged my brain clean of those dreaded memories. FDA approval? Who needs that~!"
Regarding Fire - May 15th
"Fire is an important thing for little children to learn about. How else are they supposed to healthily develop pyromania?"
On a Youth Spent with "Twax" - May 15th
"Twax? Huh, sure can mean a lot of things. I'll go with it being the abbreviation for Tyrannosaurus Wax since I assume you were reeeally into candle making back in the day. Who wasn't, tho', amiright? Teens and their candles. That's what the film Sixteen Candles was about, right? Adolescent light source fascinations?"
Regarding my Day - May 15th
"Figures I'd actually have things to do at work today. Pfft, what's that about? Working at <>work? That's not what work is about, amiright? Oh. Wait. It's the name. It's supposed to contain what it is."
On Misusing Personal Information - May 14th
"Too late, creepy-timez~! Bada bada bada bada. I assume that is the sound of creeping. I've never really bothered to listen to it. Don't fret; it's on my bucket list."
Regarding Limited Interests - May 13th
"I literally nothing to go off of for you outside of liking brains. Maybe you're a zombie? I won't say whether that's a pro or a con; the answer may surprise you~!"
Regarding Another's Recent Illness - May 10th
"Did you try injecting yourself with a brain-virus to help cram for finals? 'Cuz that's just made up. I should know. I flooded the black market with bugs under that exact name. Um, don't pass any of this on to the FDA."
On Me Being Amusing - May 10th
"Wow, me a source of entertainment. That used to only be true to some drunks that threw nickels at me for me to do silly dances. I didn't need their money, just their attention."
Regarding Fanaticism - May 10th
"I pretty much geek over anything superhero related... and deny wearing Bat Man Underoos."
Regarding a Residence - May 9th
"[The city] kinda sounds like where I grew up. Very small towny, lots of low value property in droves, a restaurant that kept going out of business and being reopened under a new specialty, bands of gigantic, mutant squash that marched through the streets at night and devoured delinquents. Oh, wait, you didn't mention any monsters in your, quote, city (yes, I just typed that the way most people would say it rather than just using the punctuation although I have in the past. Mind blown). By the way, butternut, mostly, if you were wondering."
Regarding Getting Along - May 9th
"Is it too creepy to say that 'I think we're going to get along just swell' at this point? What if I were to out creep it with 'I think I must cannibalize your heart to double my own powers'?"
Regarding my Productivity - May 9th
"It's not like I'm completely pissing away my time and lazing about every available moments. It's like, every other tops."
Regarding a Hasty Response - May 9th
"Wow, quick turnaround time. Somebody's making up for lost time. That, or your mention of Dr. Who was because you are the Doctor's new sidekick and have enlisted his services in reducing the time taken to respond. That, or, I dunno, meth. Either/or."
On a Gag I Contemplated - May 9th
"I want to make some line of joke about getting dirt on you from your allegedly close sister without it just seeming weird and stalkerish. Does saying it without intent of being used in such fashion bypass that factor?"
Regarding Moving - May 9th
"Wow, that's a lot of localized moving around. Except for the Rhode Island bit, unless there's a second Rhode Island entirely localized within south-eastern Michigan that I am unaware of. Slim chance of that, I'd assume. Like, 27% chance."
Regarding Awkwardness - May 5th
"Maybe I just like that you say you're awkward. My heritage is one-third awkward, myself. I don't quite know how the math works on that."
Regarding my Order of Birth - May 5th
"I have one older and one younger brother, although one might argue me being the middle child since the youngest is an identical twin. Spoiler, not as interesting as it sounds."
Regarding Unaired Secrets - May 5th
"Are you suuure there's nothing else? You don't have, like, a centaur body or anything? 'Cuz if you're holding that fact from me, I will be sorely disappointed. 'Cuz centaurs are awesome~! Equal points for fish legs. Not one big fish tail, but a finned stump for each limb. Maybe not a Scylla legs, however. That's a little too weird. Yes, I draw the line at a pack of barking dogs for an abdomen."
Regarding Creepers - May 5th
"I don't want to say that lady-types getting perved on is something that goes hand-in-hand with on-line dating 'cuz it's more of just inherent with on-line in general, from my experiences. And life, I would think. That's where creepers first emerged from the primordial soup, after all. Or were they created in a mad scientists lab as a weapon during the Cold War? I'll have to ask my Uncle Tom about that -- not that he worked in weapons' development. Or exists."
Regarding a Kid - May 5th
"Can't imagine you'd be able to hid a kid for that long. 'Why's that blanket moving? And why do you keep putting spoons of baby food under it?' Also, you really shouldn't be throwing him. That seems like it could be dangerous, especially since I'm a terrible catcher."
On Getting Employed - May 5th
"It's not like you have a degree in art history, so you'll be jobbin' in no time. Apologies if anyone you know went to school for art history. Well, anyone you care about."
Regarding my Sense of Humor - May 1st
"I honestly think many folk just suspect I slipped out of a psych ward somewhere. I won't comment on whether or not they are wrong."
Regarding a Kudos - May 1st
"If you collect three kudos, I think you can upgrade to one of them Kudos health bars."
During the Conversation - Apr 30th
"I got lost, myself. Hopefully one of us has a map 'cuz I found that I resort to cannibalizing after a panicked minute -- whether or not food is easily accessible."
Regarding the Folks' Farm - Apr 30th
"So what type of farm? General produce, horse, legalized hemp, illegal opium?"
Regarding an Emoticon - Apr 30th
"I don't know what type of alien, tall eyes you have with that equal sign representation, but it ain't human, I tells ya. I have half a mind to cry 'witch' despite that trait never being associated with a coven. I'd sway the villagers somehow. They're stupid, after all. That's why they're villagers."
Regarding my Profile - Apr 30th
"I thought that border-line tirade projected the need for serious psychological intervention. Nuts, you said you did psych stuff. The reassurance is a lie, isn't it? This is all a set up. I'm not going back to the psych ward! * leaps out window *"
A Closing Statement - Apr 29th
"Did anyone learn anything today? No? Well, at least we're not dumber."
Regarding my Profile - Apr 29th
"What? You read all that? But, doing so has fulfilled the evil wizard's prophecy and sealed the fate of the world. The evil wizard is, of course, myself, and the the spell was cast on a five dollar wager. Who'da thunk I'd have been wrong? And, not only now is there the apocalypse but I'm out five dollars. Good thing currency isn't worth anything any longer. What, with the rampant global destruction and all."
On Breaking the Ice - Apr 27th
"I'm kinda wondering how to go about cracking open your closed upness. Soaking it in warm water? Wait, that's for hard nuts. Asking nicely?"
Regarding Those who Cross Me - Apr 26th
"Then they are annihilated with my pocket doomsday device (TM) and have their anatomy reduced to quarks, less the kidneys. Those go over well in a back alley. It's not what you think. Barbecues are had there. Hobos make the best ribs. Further fake-out, the bums ain't doin' the cookin'~!"
On my Personality - Apr 26th
"I, personally, feel I reflect the attitudes of someone in their sixties, far from the contemporary kooks these days. I can assure you that my pants are no where near hip-hugging nor, despite my prior elder comparison, in my armpits. Maybe skirting the spleen."
Regarding my Rare Combination - Apr 23rd
"I'm one of those nearly extinct nice and straight guys, although that could be contended by others. And, sadly, the latter more than the former. Long hair, bakes goodies. Even I would question it."
Regarding Marksmanship - Apr 23rd
"The last time I toted a gun competitively, I walked away with a ham. Some would argue that I robbed the grocery store, where some is the courts. Those jerks."
Regarding Guys Built Like in 300 - Apr 23rd
"What if one did have one o' them Spartan bodies? Granted, mine would be more akin of the lumpy Ephialtes' frame than the common fodder of the film."
On Wasting Time - Apr 16th
"Hopefully I'm not wasting your time. Or, hopefully you read really fast so not much is lost. Or, the time travel dilemma is solved and such lost time can be reclaimed, 'cuz that'd sure be the best use of such technology. Aaand, now I'm wasting everyone's time~!"
Regarding a User Name - Mar 24th
"Also, your handle brings to mind a small rabbit giving hugs and kisses, which makes me giggle. Er, I mean laugh. Chortle. Guffaw. I don't really titter like a school girl. Sports, muscle cars, other manly things... um, testosterone? Did I undo any damaged image or just deepen the cracks?"
Regarding Robotics at Work - Mar 6th
"Sadly, the robots aren't of the Rock'em Sock'em variety."
On a Misleading Reply - Mar 6th
"I truly thought, 'Did she not get that I was joking - oooh, okay, she's responding in kind. Phew. Say, Frank, can you grab me a Hot Pocket out of the fridge? What do you mean heat it? That's for losers.' Okay, I guess the rest of what I said wasn't relevant, especially since Frank is the name of a cactus."
Regarding Wit In Person - Mar 4th
"I wish I was this on in regular conversation, but then I don't have time to convene with my staff of writers. Well, the team is a few skulls on my desk that I necromance for material. Nobody knows funny like the souls of the immortally damned. Guess that's how they power through all the fiery pitchforkin'."
Regarding my Sense of Humor - Mar 4th
"I just don't know how folks go through life without humor but, then, I remember how much alcohol and drugs they consume and have to say to myself, 'I don't think that's how you properly use heroin, sir.' But, you know nine-year-olds -- never listening."
Regarding Emasculine Possessions - Mar 4th
"How sad is it that the whole D&D thing isn't even the worst that I could fess up to. I mean, sure, there's been a stack of manuals laying in an eye shot for a few months now (note to self: clean), but there's also bleedin' crochet hook set. Er, I mean, my, uh, knife collection... which I use to hunt bears."
Regarding a Delayed Response - Mar 4th
"And you just assume that I'll be unfazed by this blatant act of tardy ... response ... get-to-ism-ing-additional-suffix? Why, I should be outraged and offended, or maybe in the opposite order, I'm none too sure."
On the Subject of Ohio - Jan 29th
"I normally speak of Ohio as the top-most layer of hell. But, I give that courtesy to anywhere I speak of. I'm just that nice of a guy. Or a bastard. Whichev."
On Being From Ohio - Jan 29th
"Don't know how well I represent the big O. Folks call it that, right? Never? It's actually something wholly different? Oh my. That explains why I didn't get that job. Especially with all that winking I did."
Regarding a Theory - Jan 29th
"It makes sense if you don't think about it. Or anything. Just white noise... whoosh..."
Regarding Humor and Yelling at Robots - Jan 26th
"I yell robot jokes at them. Those don't do well with other crowds, sadly. They don't laugh if you change a zero to a one."
Regarding Binary Jokes - Jan 26th
"I don't even know what binary is. I just said it to seem like a egghead. Far as I know, it has something to do with storage containers and being gaseous."
Regarding the Scarcity of Dungeon Masters - Jan 23rd
"I wonder which head-hunter I entrusted with finding them -- the one who locates folk or the one who fixes them."
When Asked What It Said About Her - Jan 23rd
"Well, I got some baaad news for ya... You're one of the Saturnian replicoids. Other telltale signs include red blood and the desire to eat about thrice a day. On matters other than why I'm on the FBI's top ten (they'll never find the bodies~!) [...]"
When Told I Seemed "Cool" - Jan 22nd
"Cool? Lady, you musta been reading the wrong page. Pretty sure I staked in a large wooden sign that reads uncool in big red letters- Oh, wait. That can't be seen on other computers. It just broke my monitor..."
Last Modified - May 19th, 2013 | Established - September 15th, 2012